A Little History

Seeing as this comes from some one who lives in stealth I find it hard to understand which I should share and which I shouldn’t. That being said i think a little history on me is ok.

To get this question out of the way I will simply start by saying yes. I have known about myself my whole life. I knew What I was when I was very little. Sadly I can also say I didn’t understand it. I remember being at the store with my parents looking for clothes wishing I could get that cute pink dress or even maybe a princess t-shirt. While I knew I wanted to do these things I must also say I didn’t know why. This was a different era and mentality. I think I had seen one performance on a variety TV show of a performer who was dressed as both a man and a woman to sing a song but beyond that there was nothing I was aware of.

Childhood can be a fun thing. I guess it is fun really for everyone. An entire world of wonder and mystery shows itself to you every day. Coming up in the age of saturday morning cartoons and the boom of action figures/ dolls was a lucky thing for me. Sure i would watch the boy shows like knight rider, G.I. Joe, He-man. The list goes on and on. But I loved when the shows about female characters came on. Ranbow Brite was too cute. She-Ra was my hero. I still want a copy of her sword to this day. The popples and care bears were the best. So cute and happy. Again the list could go on and on.

It wasn’t till I saw a new cartoon called JEM and the Holograms that the what if in my brain kicked in full. Not only were they smart and beautiful but there was a computer that could hide the main character in her alter ego of JEM. My young mind raced with this awesome concept. So much so i would spend recess at school sitting by myself on a swing pretending I was swinging with her band. We would swing and talk for the whole recess break. Before and after i would swing I would reach to my ear as she did in the show and whisper “showtime cenergy” and then “shows over”. The thought almost brings me to tears with how happy it made me.

It wasn’t till i got my first job that I let myself explore the thoughts and feelings I had carried for almost twenty years. I can say it scared the hell out of me. The amount of shaking and almost black outs I went through forcing myself in to a store across town where know one would know me. All to finally take a look at a cute top or dress that I had eyed in stores I regularly shopped at.

Some years later tried to give it up. I considered it a childish curiosity and threw out my clothes that made me feel more normal than the regular clothes I wore. That was probably the defining moment for me. I felt like I betrayed myself.Worse yet i forced it for almost a year before I understood the truth this was something more. Around this time I was beginning to live on my own and had much more freedom than in my youth.

From then on I took myself seriously. It wasn’t the early two thousands that I started looking up what little information I knew on the internet. I didn’t even know the word transgender till then. There it was. Looking back at me from it’s pixilated glory. For the first time in over twenty years I was able to sit back in my chair and sigh. All i could do was smile. From the word itself to the definition it made me feel like I found a part of myself I had never understood.

It still took a few more years for me to build myself up as all of us have to. You start small. Maybe wearing a cute pair of panties out and maybe doing your nails. Hoping the everything will be ok. The fear never goes away. This much I can sadly say. I have been myself for over a decade and I still freak out in my mind when traveling to new places.

So here was a little about my past. I do apologize for its vague nature but seeing as this blog is also about stealth I think it is better I stay that way. Thank you for sharing this quick trip down memory lane with me. 🙂

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