Tag Archives: Fear

A question left to the bygone days of pop culture news coverage.

Life can be quite funny. Especially when you realize everything runs in trends. What will be relevant one moment and mean the world to some will fall silent as if time itself says you had enough. I have seen this happen many times to many different subjects over the decades. However, now we are left with a passed topic that was not only popular, but affects a small portion of the world, myself included.

If you haven’t figured it out yet I am talking about the great bathroom debate of 2016. What was once daily being spoken of from both sides and found its way in to many governing offices has now gone silent. Understandably so. With the riotous and extremely scary circus that has become our presidential debate how could the eyes of the populous not move to them.

Yet this time it has left a nagging issue for those of us who had our fates being determined by our precious political system. The basic right to use the restroom peacefully is still a question. Will we be arrested if we use the restroom? Will we face recourse from the public for simply answering natures call?

No answers. Just like before. Only this time legal actions have been taken in some places. So thanks to the popularity train no answers were widely reached. The country with the motto liberty and justice for all forgot to tell us that it only happens if the populous cares long enough to make a decision.

This is honestly both a good thing and a bad thing. At least from where I sit. On the positive side there are many states that didn’t bother with the popular debate. They sat quietly allowing people to deal with the issue as it arises. Essentially it is down to the people involved. That is if it even becomes an issue. In this thought alone I feel the loss of the countries eye has been a good thing, but to believe it would be this simple would lead to complete naivete on my own part.

For lack of better term they threw down the gauntlet then walked away. I can’t speak for other but this worries me. Probably more so than if they had actually won in the courts. They bullied Target in to taking back its own ruling. All because of the fear of rape from straight perverts. The opponents of our rights used straight rapists and our children to scare a world in to thinking basically we are dangerous.

What is more perplexing is what the country is also talking about right now. Elitists kids raping women and getting slaps on the wrists for it. I laughed at myself as I watched these events unfolding. All I could think was no wonder people fear the trans community. Rapists get nothing and the poor women who are assaulted are left to pick up the pieces. What kind of justice is that? It actually makes me understand the fear the country has created around people like myself.

After all any man can put on a dress and some make up, claim to be one of us and enter a restroom. Hell the idea of a man in the women’s restroom scares me as well. I understand the idea of safe space really well. There have been times I have found solace in a public restroom from not so lucky encounters.

Then comes the harder thoughts. I have been assaulted. I have had my clothes unwillingly ripped off my body. I have been raped. I went in to a lost state after I realized I could tell no one and trying to cope with my own physical and mental issues lead me to a very depressed state. I tried calling a rape crisis line. I was met with a CIS gender only policy. Family hadn’t been the most accepting of who I am so they were of no help.

So here in lies the problem as far as I can see it. My worth means nothing to this country because I am trans. I get no rights. Or maybe I should say I am not awarded the niceties of our culture because others have lumped trans people like me in with the worst of our species. I would say I get no justice but if CIS women can’t get the help they deserve then I know I am on my own. Even in my stealth a doctor will eventually discover what is underneath. Considering what I have dealt with in regards to this issue over the years staying silent is the only thing I could do. My physical pain healed years ago. I like to think I do pretty good mentally.

My apologies. I am a bit off topic. While it is relevant to my particular case, it doesn’t move the issue along. It is a battle cry I have said many times before. More so over the last year watching rape case after rape case where the attackers are set free. If you violate another human being then you don’t deserve these things. We need more harsh punishments for people (of all genders) who do such heinous acts to anyone. No one should have to go through that. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

So yeah. Bathrooms. My right to pee scares me because I don’t know what my rights are. As a born citizen of this country that scares the crap out of me. I essentially have no real secure rights or protections. Can’t go in women’s restrooms because if I am discovered they can fear I will rape them. Cant go in men’s restrooms because I fear rape myself. Never mind the fact I do not look like a man. Thanks to the attention span of the press and the modern culture trans lives across the country are now left in a heated climate to sort out for themselves what is safe and what isn’t. Kind of like before. But now there is severe animosity.

What I think is actually worse than the bathroom debate not being finished is the cold hard truth the recent news has shown us. Rapists will rape. Whether the world thinks they have access to bathrooms or not. If they want to they will. We are certainly seeing that. So what was really gained by all the fear-mongering over the bathroom debate?

I wish I could leave this post on a happier note. I wish I could say the lack of news or public eye makes it easier, it doesn’t. Keep our brothers and sisters in your thoughts when going in to a restroom. Remember the ease of which you can go freely. No recourse. No hassle. It is a natural right and freedom I don’t share.One that many like me will keep others from living their lives the way everyone else gets to.

It’s been a while.

I have gone silent for a while. Something i wasn’t expecting on doing. As it turns out a fear swept over me. One I had not known since I first came out.

As I tried to figure out what exactly I wanted to do with this blog. I found myself reading articles on the world events involving trans people. Something that seemed to to spark a issue in myself. One i had to take time to work on. I became scared and fearful as I saw one negative article after another.

I had to stop reading articles on current trans events. I didn’t read them for a while. What it came down to was i have to watch myself when it comes to current events. Otherwise I will become a fearful mess again. Even as I write this I can think about the most recent news I read and shudder. News in this world is bad, but I became thinking that this was the wrong reason to care about this stuff.

I may go in to more of what has bothered me later. For now i just want to explain where i went and that I am returning. This time opting to avoid the delicate nature of the news. I want to focus more on what I intended to. My life and my views as seen from a trans woman who lives quietly in the shadows of those who live in the open. Stealth trans and her thoughts. ūüôā

Is it ok to have friends from before you transitioned?

For those who have transitioned I think this is a question we all asked at one point or another. As one grows in to who they are born to be you learn more about those who have been there not only from the beginning, but possibly further back beyond that.

I remember when i started to live full time. Most of the people around me were new to my life and only really knew me as me. There were a few who had been around before. Coming out can harbor feelings on all sides of life. I remember one friend saying he missed the old me. I didn’t really understand this remark. I was still me. Same likes and same attitude. He just saw something I didn’t.

Probably the most eye opening came with my best friend during my coming out. She was a dear friend of mine and helped me overcome a lot of my fears. She was completely supportive. We would go to gay bars together and dance our nights away and have a great time. Something changes though over the few years since my coming out I did not expect.

I decided to go back to school so I enrolled in the local college. This was a pretty big step for me considering it was not only the first place no one would know my old self but it was the first real time I stepped out without my best friend.

The experience was so awakening. I made sure to protect my secret and be who i was at all times. It was probably the happiest I had been in years. I made many friends at school. We would hang out between classes or during assignments we had in common. No one questioned me. Everyone just saw me for who I was. At least it was this way at school.

My best friend on the other hand had become more estranged to me. I was happy to see her and go out like we used to but it had changed. I could see the difference in how she treated me while knowing everything as opposed to those at school who knew me as me. I could tell my best friend still held back with things and had even become condescending with me.

The longer I allowed myself to grow at school the more I realized how bad things were with my best friend. I could go in to various other reasons that things became bad but they aren’t part of this point. The realization she treated me like she did was very disappointing.

Due to many reasons along with this one we parted ways as friends. Something i have seen happen with a lot of those I knew before I transitioned. The ones I have left are probably the oldest of friends I have. One goes back to high school. One was even a girl who had a crush on me in first grade. Which also leads to another funny note.

I am friends with three of my exes from before I transitioned. Every one of them had the same thing to say when I came out to them. They all said I love you but I’m not in to that. Did they think it was supposed to be a way to endear myself to them? lol. I have no clue but it was pretty funny they felt they had to say it.

My answer to is it okay? Yes, I think it is just fine. You will get used to the two different ways people will treat you. There will always be a huge difference between those who knew you before and those who don’t. Much like with those who have to decide if they can take who we are. We will have to decide if how they treat us is good for us. I know this sounds like a bad Disney saying but if they are true then they will be there forever.

Traveling when Trans

With this mornings upsetting news about North Carolina. I want to share my thoughts on the subject of traveling while being transgender. I have traveled quite a bit as I have both transitioned and lived my life as the woman I always was. I don’t think this is a topic many people think about when stuff like Indiana and North Carolina happen. Before i start I want to include Georgia in the list of states that are making headlines for creating such oppressive laws.

I have traveled to many states over the last ten years. It is something that can be exhilarating and quite scary at the same time. Traveling while trans however makes what can already be a unsure situation absolutely scary.

I would like to start with a trip I took about seven years ago to Arizona. I was travelling with a friend to meet up with a friend of hers who had moved there a few years prior. The traveling wasn’t much of an issue. We did our usual routine of listening to music and talking about who knows what. The last thing on my mind at the time was what people might have thought about me. That is how it should be.

To say the least Arizona was a nightmare publicly. I have yet to be in another state that made me feel as awkward as that one. People there have no problem giving stares at anyone they don’t feel is right. After we met up with her friend we decided to go out for the night and enjoy ourselves. We stopped and grabbed some food first. They were busy catching up so it allowed me to eat and just kind of hang out. I would join the conversation if I had something to say but otherwise I left them to it.

After dinner we went from bar to bar trying to find anything going on. This is where things fell apart completely for me. When a bar is involved the standard needing proof of identification comes in to play. The dread was felt every place we went as I saw the unpleasant faces of those who would look at me and read my I.D.. The last bar was the worst. The bouncers were police officers. One would think this would be a good thing. I am sure they do a good job of making sure nothing happens at the clubs. The look on the cop at the doors face when he saw me said it all. I was not welcome there. They made sure I knew it as well.

As my friend and her friend went in in front of me I waited for the cop to check out my I.D.. With a scowl now on his face he silently handed me my card and waved me in. Had that been the end of it I could have dealt with the insecurity of it. A quick glance behind me revealed he had waved a second cop over and was talking about me. Both of them had their eyes glued to me as they spoke. They didn’t hide it in the least.

Quickly I caught up with my friend hoping I would be left alone with people around me. They asked if I wanted a drink. I graciously refused knowing that would inevitably lead to needing to use the restroom. If those cops were still watching me there was no way they would let me go to the bathroom peacefully.

A moment of curiosity washed over me as I was trying to be sure things were as they seemed. I excused myself from the table and tried to find a place to stand where I could see the live band playing from. Everywhere i went i could see the blue shadow of a uniformed officer. His uniform was almost black against the dimly lit club. The stage lights made him stand out. Realizing there was a upstairs with a balcony to see the stage from I went up the steps.

To do so I had to pass the main door again. the cop at the door watched as I passed. I could see him nod to my follower as he rounded the steps to proceed upstairs as well. My heart was pounding at this point. My friend hadn’t noticed a thing the whole time. I don’t think she even saw me go upstairs. If something happened then to her I would have just disappeared.

The upstairs balcony was pretty empty. I remember I started to panic at the lack of patrons up stairs. If the cop wanted he could have easily made my night a nightmare then and there. I walked up to the balcony overlooking the stage. In the weird design of the club I laughed realizing the band was so far back their heads were cut off by the front of the ceiling.

Even though I couldn’t see them properly I stood there a few moments. I could feel the cops eyes on me the whole time. After a few minutes I looked around the upstairs area. There were three people sitting at a table on the far side. Beyond them it was just the cop and I.

Terror was getting the better of me. Worse yet it was making me have to go to the bathroom. All that pressure on my bladder was having a very negative effect. Deciding I couldn’t take it anymore I came up with a plan to leave upstairs. It was probably more than I needed to do but I wanted the cop to realize I was aware he was following me.

I turned around and walked straight to him. The moment I faced him he tried to focus else ware but I knew better. I walked up to him and smiled as much as my terrified body could. I asked him if there was a proper place from where I could see the show. His look said it all once again. The fact I was even talking to him disgusted him. Without saying a word he shook his head no.

I smiled even wider and said thanks. I excused myself back down stairs as fast as I could without looking like I was trying to run. I made it back to my friend who was still chatting with her friend. He was waiting for something to catch me on. if i was lucky that was all he was doing. Even then I could imagine far worse things than a false arrest. I saw him come downstairs a few minutes after I did.

Needless to say I didn’t use the restroom till we got back to her friends house. By then the pain was unbearable. Every stabbing pain in my stomach reminded me of the fear that the night had given me. We couldn’t leave to go home fast enough. I never said a word though. I wasn’t about to ruin her trip because of this. I did tell her after we got back but that was it.

I share this memory as a look inside what it is like to travel as a trans person. To say the least I get nervous when the idea of traveling becomes an option. Thoughts of what the people are like, are they super judgmental? I do love to travel, but with the climate the way it is for LGBT people I cant see myself doing so that much. I am proud of the large companies who take stances against these barbaric laws. They have so far been the biggest road block for such bills.

All these fears happen every time I travel. I wish I had something more witty to end with but this cold hard truth is all I have. I may be brave and travel, but the truth is I am aware each state comes with its own set of rules and regulations for people like me. I can tell you this for sure. I have a list of states I will never set foot in again. At the top? Arizona.

Bathroom Use

I was going to wait till after the Easter break to bring up this particular issue, but it seems another state has used the same tired fear speeches to successfully create issues for their transgender people to not be allowed our basic human right.

North Carolina passed a bill in an emergency session that made it’s way to the governor just as quickly to be signed. He did so. The bill was the standard trans people must use the restroom of their gender marked on their birth certificate. In some tweets posted yesterday Governor Pat McCrory stated

“I signed bipartisan legislation to stop the breech of basic privacy and etiquette,ensure privacy in bathrooms and locker rooms.”

It was followed immediately by another tweet.

“Ordinance defied common sense, allowing men to use women’s bathroom/locker room for instance. That’s why I signed bipartisan bill to stop it.”

There are many scary things about this whole situation. The fact that the session was called quickly and under the radar of most of its people. The speed in which it made its way to the Governor to sign. Even what he kept calling the bill. He referred to it in both tweets¬†as the bipartisan bill. Doesn’t that just scream we didn’t want you know know what we were doing? It is so vague.

House Bill 2, the Public Facilities Privacy & Security Act is what it is really called. It was designed to stop local governments from deciding if it is okay for transgender people to use the bathroom/ locker rooms of their true genders. In the end the state government took the rights of not only its people but the localized government and said this is how it will be.

I have seen more of these bills come and go over the last few years. They are on the rise and it doesn’t look like they will be slowing down any time soon. The same tired fears are used to scare people in to thinking they are in danger. After all you should never waste a good fear. The fear in question is that it will give sex offenders the ability to go in what is protected space to get after their targets.

I have said this every time one of these happens. This has nothing to do with transgender people. This is a straight issue involving very messed up people. Yet their only answer is to lump transgender people (this goes for both trans men and women) in to the category of sex offenders.

If you were to ask and trans person they would agree that such acts of violation are horrendous and have no place in a civilized culture. We are as susceptible to such crimes as any other person. As some one who has suffered from sexual assault and abuse I often scream the loudest when these events are reported. But to disgrace an entire community in the name of “protecting”other people is insane. We should be protecting everyone. So this bills logic is flawed. By the way. Where was my protection?

You want to fix the assault problem. That is fantastic. I stand behind trying to find ways to stop assaults whole heartedly. We need more harsh punishments for the committers. Punishing a group that has nothing to do with the problem is honestly just as vile as the offences they are trying to protect against. There are plenty of trans men and women out there who pass. We walk among the regular world all the time. You want some one who passes to be in the wrong rest room and feel the same fear that you are scared others will feel?

As I said earlier this bill is nothing new. The fact they pushed it through so fast and so head strong is. We have seen anti LGBT bills over the last few years cause major repercussions for their states. Indiana stands as a shining example that the modern world is tired of religious influence on bills. Religion does not dictate out country. We live in a country of religious freedom. Land of the free and the home of the brave. That is a wonderful thing and should be respected. But when we all have to go out in public and be civil. Neither side should be able to dictate to the other how to “properly” live.

I could go on and on with this subject. What it boils down to for me is two things. One. Strict punishments and repercussions for those who commit such deplorable acts. I personally am for the most severe punishments possible for those who violate the rights of other.

Two, own up to what you are really pushing. Bills designed to segregate and discriminate against groups of people you clearly know nothing about. I think I would be less angry if these people would just say I am anti LGBT and this is my concern. If some one wishes to dislike another then that is their prerogative. It should be known so others can judge you for who you are just as you secretly judge those you lie to.

Only thing to fear is fear itself, And Snakes

I am literally writing this just a few moments after I wake up. My hands are still trembling and I can feel my nerves on end over it. Our dreams should comfort us. Then again I don’t have the Best track record of that when I am sick.

I like to think I keep a good control on my nerves and fears. It is something I have to do on almost a daily basis. I have forced myself through many situations and grown much better as a person for it. So I hope that gives you an idea of how I try to deal with things when I say I absolutely cannot stand snakes. I don’t think they are gross looking and I don’t think of them as evil. I don’t even really believe in the concept of evil but that is for another time I think.

They petrify me to my core. The idea of being near one makes my body want to find the quickest way out it can. There are no awww they are cute moments. Recognizing one near me means instead internal fear. I can’t even say it is a fear I am proud of because it happens whether I think about it or not. I have been this way my entire life. I remember many nights as a child that I would end up wetting myself because I was to scared of snakes in the hallway to go to the bathroom.

So why do I say all this? Because last night hurt. My dream was non stop torture not only by the creature in question but by some one I love. At one point a snake was even thrown on me in my dream. I could feel it moving around as I tried to get away. My panic agitating the creature and making it hiss and want to strike. Hearing the laugh of the loved one as they watch me try to squirm free. This is the kind of stuff I don’t wake up easy from.

Very rarely can I read my own dreams. I cant imagine putting to much stock in to them while I am sick. If I did I could only imagine the meanings of half of them. Reading dreams is something I generally only do for other people. I have been really good at it in the past. Even told a girl she was pregnant before she knew. All because of a dream she shared with me.

This dream was basic. It was about fear. Snakes have always represented the worst to me. Mainly because of the fear I have of them. Having some one I love tossing them at me? Simple, I am unsure about things and have my guard up. I am trying to protect myself. Which I eventually did in the dream. I did by putting my phone on the agitated snakes head. The phone has a little weight to it so the creature had trouble moving about. This gave me time to get away. I escaped by myself. My phone being a clear answer of support. An easy life line if you will.

The hardest part of the dream (besides the snakes) was the loved one. They giggled as I panicked and eventually squirmed free. Then walked with me out of where we were. I was shaken but still walking with them. Basic fear of being hurt. and given my emotions as of recent I am not surprised at all this would happen in my dreams. Just wish it was easier. Snakes take a lot out of me. I will never understand the total fear that takes me over. How can I? After all, it is on the subconscious level.

I am scared of being hurt. In the end aren’t we all? After all we all take chances that can either change things for the better or hurt us. It is kind of a part of life. One thing I can say is even as much as I hate snakes they have never stopped me from going after what I want in life. Go big or go home is a saying that comes to mind. One I personally believe in. You should always pursue your goals and dreams. No matter the obstacle or threat.

Stealth Trans in the Workplace

Spent this morning applying for jobs. Something that always gives me great unease. After my experience with Wal-Mart and their homphobic ways I have honestly been scared to try this again. Then again applying for a job is scary for pretty much anyone. Knowing they can mess with you once you work for them makes it harder. This is what Wal-Mart did.

Not to say the other companies would do such a thing. In fact a few of them I applied to had sections that talked about inclusive nature. This made me feel a lot better. But I can’t help worry about what will happen when I get there. I know there is a big if I even get the job included on that. lol. Maybe I should share the backstory of what happened to show where my timid nature about work came from.

I had to leave a job I really liked because they just weren’t able to give me the hours I needed. I was stepping out in to a personal business venture and needed specific time. They weren’t able to give me what I needed so I left them with a mutual happiness on both sides. It just didn’t work out.

I applied for Wal-Mart hoping they would be able to work with the hours I needed. They did so happily and welcomed me aboard. Seeing this was almost a decade ago times were a bit different. Their immediate concern was which bathroom I used. I understood their concerns even though it essentially treated me like a predator. We came to the agreement i would use the family restroom in the back of the store. I honestly had no problem with this. It wouldn’t give anything away about me and the family bathrooms always have extra space so you don’t feel so cramped.

Everything started off okay. I was given my job and the first day went real well. Then the second day hit and the family bathroom was locked at night. I didn’t need to go so badly and I managed to make it through the night without having to go. The following night not only was the bathroom locked but a bench was placed in front of it. Unable to contain myself a second night I excused myself to the ladies restroom. In and out real quick and right back to work. At least that is what I thought.

I was called in the office the next day by management for using the women’s restroom. I explained the situation and was told I was not to do that. While becoming more apprehensive about the work environment I went back to it stocking shelves. The family restroom was never unlocked during my shift again. I tried to manage but got in trouble again. Same thing and same warning. Another night I decided to be proper about the situation and actually went to my boss telling him I had to pee.

My boss walks with me to the back of the store¬†and proceeds to hold the men’s room door open. He checks for anyone inside and waves me in once he feels it is clear. Horrified I stood there looking at him with his hands beckoning me to the restroom. I decided I could wait. I clearly had bigger issues at hand. I avoided going to the bathroom that day as well even though I could feel the pain in my bladder swelling.

The next day I was called in to the office by all the shift managers and been told I was seen using the women’s restroom again. I knew at this point that I had not and this was no longer a safe place for me. Trying to keep myself together I explained to them I had not used the restroom and was complying with their requests. After they filled their satisfaction¬†of scolding me was finished I went back to work petrified to do anything.

Realizing I was about to collapse in tears and break down I counted down the time till I could log out for lunch. I couldn’t keep it up. It was clear this wasn’t going to be safe for me. Remembering they had already broken the verbal agreement my anger grew. In a last moment of control I went back to my locker to collect my things and walked out. They say the worse thing you could do is walk off your job with no notification. I couldn’t see any other option. Fear had taken me to the point of severe panic.

There are no buses after midnight. The walk home took hours but at least the roads were empty. Walking alone at night has proved dangerous before but the options were gone. I couldn’t stay at work and wait for the buses to start back. At least i can say I had plenty of time to myself to reflect and grow. You would be amazed how much one can think about when you have that much free time on your hands.

Was I proud I did it? Absolutely. There was no way I could maintain my health working in that environment. The sky was clear and the air was crisp. I remember because I could feel the tears chilling my face with the soft breeze. Did it scare me to not be working. You have no idea. I had no clue what my next move was. I just knew it had to be done.

Welcome to why I am scared of jobs. I have had good ones. But most of them were before I lived full time. Afterwards has lead to judgment, ridicule, and flat out harassment. So it is with deep trepidation that I sent out the new batch of applications today. I know a lot has changed since then but I also know prejudice in individuals (especially of those of power) reigns in large corporations to big to see what happens on the ground floor. Just like everyone else I have to work it out. I can’t not live.

I don’t want to leave this on a negative note. That was not my intent. I only wish to show the fear that is within all of us when it comes to what should be one of the simplest things to do. I am optimistic about finding work. Even if I am scared. I would love to have that kind of routine again. I just have to find a place that doesn’t see being Trans as anything other than something that is best left in my application and record. lol.