Tag Archives: happy

A Return to Pushing Personal Boundaries

We all do this. Or at least we try to. I admit it is something I having done much of. After many issues with sexual assault and almost being abducted I withdrew from this idea. The last few months I have been more relaxed with what I like and for once in a log time allowed myself to explore.

The whole idea began with shopping for clothes. Ever since I transitioned I knew one thing was true about myself. I am not a big fan of pants. Sure they have a purpose at times but I much prefer wearing skirts or dresses. Flowing clothes have always been my favorite even when I was young. So it makes sense that sine I began my transition I would experiment with skirts and various other styles of clothes. I would even buy short skirts and mini skirts. Even though I was scared to wear them outside. I would still try them on and wear them around my place free of judgement.

When I started going to college full time I let my ambitions do what they will. Short skirts with and even without leggings. Off the shoulder tops. The stylistic world of clothing was my playground and I loved it. I would enjoy my walks to the bus feeling so free in the clothes I chose. My mp3 player on whatever album I decided to sing along to as I walked.

I would say I was naive to the truth of the worlds ability to react. In truth though I don’t think that was the problem. I like any other women on the planet when they develop their own sense of style wasn’t looking for the worlds reactions. I was looking at just being happy being myself.

As i became more relaxed and content with myself things began to happen. I wore a short sun dress one day to school and a guy pulled over at the bus stop. He asked if i wanted a ride. I smiled and kindly said no. He in turn gave me his business card with his personal number written on it and said i should all him some time. He left and I quickly ignored the exchange.

The next incident was more scary. I had just got off the bus near a department store and began walking towards it. I had needed a new pair of shoes for all the walks I did. No sooner did the bus leave a guy pulled up in the bus stop and honked his cars horn to get my attention. I looked back for a second as he waved me over to his car. This time I was not interested. He clearly was though. He drove his car in to the parking lot and proceeded to follow me up and down the isles trying to get me to listen. With a sigh of relief I finally made it in to a close store. He drove away the moment the glass door closed behind me.

There were worse incidents but I would rather not go in to the dark stuff. Needless to say I was left scared After all this I realized I was always harassed when I was showing more skin. I threw out all my short skirts and closeted all my short dresses. Even my tops became more conservative. I didn’t show any cleavage and walked around in sweaters and hoodies all the time.

What I am glad to say though is I have finally gotten past a lot of my hang ups and emotions about the past. I don’t know if it is because I am older now or maybe I have just let go of the hurt and fear that was once caused. Whatever it was a clearance rack of really cute skirts began my return to wearing more revealing clothing. How does one pass up adorable lace skirts for 2 dollars clearance? You just don’t. lol. I even wear them again. A lot of the short dresses have returned as well.

As I was saying earlier last weekend held something very special for me. I have worn some revealing clothing before. Nothing that showed a lot but just short clothes. Last weekend I took a plunge that terrified me. It shouldn’t have. I was going through my closet and happened across a really cute lavender top that had sequins covering the breasts. I looked at it a moment and asked why don’t I wear this more? Sure the neckline is kind of low but it is really pretty. I put it on and walked to the mirror.

My reflection took no time at all to show me why I had not worn the top before. Everything below the breasts and completely down the back was totally sheer. My belly and back were completely exposed. I could feel myself get a little embarrassed seeing my belly button through the stomach of the top. My hips were clear as day and the slight bulge of my stomach was there for the world to see. In a weird twist though I couldn’t decide if I looked really cute or if fear was going to make me rip it off.

After a few more moments of internal arguing I decided to wear it. After all either I start wearing it or get rid of it. Why own something you wont wear? I found a Basic flowy black skirt to go with it and put my make up on for the day. Deciding I wasn’t quite that ready for so much flesh to be shown I pulled a black lace wrap from my closet and put it on. It covered my back just enough so it wasn’t totally obvious. My stomach on the other hand was as clear as day.

As I locked my apartment I headed down the stars in the early noon sun. There was a bit of a breeze that loved playing with my skirt and top. They fluttered so gently and happily with the current. It felt so nice. I made my rounds for the day stopping at my usual weekend haunts. The day went on and I finally started my way home. Sitting in my car I realized I had forgotten I was wearing the sheer top. The day took me where it would and let me relax to the point it didn’t bother me.

There was no harassment like before. I didn’t feel scared or worried. I never felt that fear that used to urged me to cover up after I got hurt. Just a nice peaceful fall day. I got some smiles but nothing beyond that. I beamed the whole way home. I was so happy. I didn’t want to take the top off when I got home. Instead I just kicked the skirt off and left the top on to cover me. The little that it did.

Pain can be recovered from. I would like to say all scars heal but I know some are still there. That would be fooling myself, but last weekend helped me reclaim something i had lost almost a decade ago. Part of the freedom to be me. Since then my mind has raced with outfit ideas that I want to try. Something that hasn’t happened since i was first coming out. More to come. 🙂

First Time You Passed

Ok. An interesting question that not only reminded me of happy moments. We all have them. The first moments it happened were probably come of the happiest I ever got to experience. I attribute these three as the first and most defining moments for me.

This paragraph is for those who aren’t trans. A little explanation as to why this is such a huge thing. learning to dress yourself and understand make up can be grueling and scary. My sisters had make up and I knew other girls who did as well but I had no experience. Over the years I have learned to look at starting to come out and living full time as yourself as a form of second puberty. Everything is awkward and embarrassing again. After a while we start to understand it and grow with it just as any teenage girl would. We just have to deal with it later. (most of us. so many young trans kids nowadays but that is another topic.)

The first experience was such a simple moment. It wasn’t anything grand but most straight guys out there will understand its significance. When I was attending the local college I had to walk for 40 minutes to get to the closest bus stop. For some reason the walk never got any easier. My generic mp3 player kept me singing and walking happily as I made my way to the bus stop.

The bus stop was located right next to a 7/11. I would go in and get a bottled water to help my body relax from the long walk. On this day I was walking towards the door when a man in front of me saw me coming and stopped while holding the door open. I smiled happy and said thank you as I passed. He nodded and continued on with his shopping. While I am not a huge fan of the gender stereotypical roles I did find this moment quite endearing. A kind gesture was the beginning of my ability to try and relax in a world that scares me.

A second came as a little more embarrassing moment. Embarrassing but still welcome. I was going to the bank to deposit my check. This was right when they had just added in the debit card machines you swipe your card in to access your account as opposed to the old method of writing everything down on paper.

I swiped my card and thought nothing of it. After a moment the teller informed me I had swiped the wrong debit card. I looked at her a moment confused till she replied you swiped your husbands card. I couldn’t help but laugh a little at the misunderstanding. Even if I could feel my cheeks turning red with embarrassment. There was no way I was going to answer her vocally. Instead Held up my hand and rummaged through my purse for a pen.

Taking the pen out I also pulled the envelop I was still carrying that my check came in. On the envelope i simply wrote. This is my card. I am transgender. Her eyes widened as i smiled at the clear surprise in her face. Though it wasn’t a bad surprise. She smiled and went back to processing my check. Once done I gave my customary thank you. She smiled back and said have a great day.

The third was probably not only the funniest but also the most endearing. Right next to the bus stop was also a subway restaurant. I typically try to avoid spending extra money if I can, but this day I had not eaten and had three classes ahead of me. If I had to eat fast food I could imagine far worse than subway. A boy in his late teens stood behind the counter. I smiled and ordered one of the subs I like. When it came to checking out I gave him my debit card. As usual with most debit/credit cards he asked to see my i.d. card. Hesitant I pulled it out realizing this was one of those moments that could have been really rough. Much like with the bank attendant the boy looked at the card and then to me with a bit of a shock on his face.

What followed surely made me blush but not with embarrassment like before. The boy smiled at me and handed me back my card. You look much better now. Is what he said as he returned my card. Now that I think of it I think this was my first ever flattered moment. I could feel my smile go ear to ear as I said thank you. He nodded. I am sure he said more but I honestly cannot remember what it was. lol. I was so blown away by his comment I said thank you and left the store feeling like I had just been declared a beauty queen.

Silly to feel that way I am sure but when you doubt and are scared of the world around you this is the kind of information you need. Not so much the flattery and the reassurance but the acknowledgement that it is no big deal. These moments have helped define me and warm me to the world that I have grown ever so fond of since I decided to live full time.

If anyone would like to share their experience in the comments I would love to hear them. 🙂 After all it is better to share the happy moments. The bad have their place as well but we need to remember to smile and be happy.