Tag Archives: love

A Return to Pushing Personal Boundaries

We all do this. Or at least we try to. I admit it is something I having done much of. After many issues with sexual assault and almost being abducted I withdrew from this idea. The last few months I have been more relaxed with what I like and for once in a log time allowed myself to explore.

The whole idea began with shopping for clothes. Ever since I transitioned I knew one thing was true about myself. I am not a big fan of pants. Sure they have a purpose at times but I much prefer wearing skirts or dresses. Flowing clothes have always been my favorite even when I was young. So it makes sense that sine I began my transition I would experiment with skirts and various other styles of clothes. I would even buy short skirts and mini skirts. Even though I was scared to wear them outside. I would still try them on and wear them around my place free of judgement.

When I started going to college full time I let my ambitions do what they will. Short skirts with and even without leggings. Off the shoulder tops. The stylistic world of clothing was my playground and I loved it. I would enjoy my walks to the bus feeling so free in the clothes I chose. My mp3 player on whatever album I decided to sing along to as I walked.

I would say I was naive to the truth of the worlds ability to react. In truth though I don’t think that was the problem. I like any other women on the planet when they develop their own sense of style wasn’t looking for the worlds reactions. I was looking at just being happy being myself.

As i became more relaxed and content with myself things began to happen. I wore a short sun dress one day to school and a guy pulled over at the bus stop. He asked if i wanted a ride. I smiled and kindly said no. He in turn gave me his business card with his personal number written on it and said i should all him some time. He left and I quickly ignored the exchange.

The next incident was more scary. I had just got off the bus near a department store and began walking towards it. I had needed a new pair of shoes for all the walks I did. No sooner did the bus leave a guy pulled up in the bus stop and honked his cars horn to get my attention. I looked back for a second as he waved me over to his car. This time I was not interested. He clearly was though. He drove his car in to the parking lot and proceeded to follow me up and down the isles trying to get me to listen. With a sigh of relief I finally made it in to a close store. He drove away the moment the glass door closed behind me.

There were worse incidents but I would rather not go in to the dark stuff. Needless to say I was left scared After all this I realized I was always harassed when I was showing more skin. I threw out all my short skirts and closeted all my short dresses. Even my tops became more conservative. I didn’t show any cleavage and walked around in sweaters and hoodies all the time.

What I am glad to say though is I have finally gotten past a lot of my hang ups and emotions about the past. I don’t know if it is because I am older now or maybe I have just let go of the hurt and fear that was once caused. Whatever it was a clearance rack of really cute skirts began my return to wearing more revealing clothing. How does one pass up adorable lace skirts for 2 dollars clearance? You just don’t. lol. I even wear them again. A lot of the short dresses have returned as well.

As I was saying earlier last weekend held something very special for me. I have worn some revealing clothing before. Nothing that showed a lot but just short clothes. Last weekend I took a plunge that terrified me. It shouldn’t have. I was going through my closet and happened across a really cute lavender top that had sequins covering the breasts. I looked at it a moment and asked why don’t I wear this more? Sure the neckline is kind of low but it is really pretty. I put it on and walked to the mirror.

My reflection took no time at all to show me why I had not worn the top before. Everything below the breasts and completely down the back was totally sheer. My belly and back were completely exposed. I could feel myself get a little embarrassed seeing my belly button through the stomach of the top. My hips were clear as day and the slight bulge of my stomach was there for the world to see. In a weird twist though I couldn’t decide if I looked really cute or if fear was going to make me rip it off.

After a few more moments of internal arguing I decided to wear it. After all either I start wearing it or get rid of it. Why own something you wont wear? I found a Basic flowy black skirt to go with it and put my make up on for the day. Deciding I wasn’t quite that ready for so much flesh to be shown I pulled a black lace wrap from my closet and put it on. It covered my back just enough so it wasn’t totally obvious. My stomach on the other hand was as clear as day.

As I locked my apartment I headed down the stars in the early noon sun. There was a bit of a breeze that loved playing with my skirt and top. They fluttered so gently and happily with the current. It felt so nice. I made my rounds for the day stopping at my usual weekend haunts. The day went on and I finally started my way home. Sitting in my car I realized I had forgotten I was wearing the sheer top. The day took me where it would and let me relax to the point it didn’t bother me.

There was no harassment like before. I didn’t feel scared or worried. I never felt that fear that used to urged me to cover up after I got hurt. Just a nice peaceful fall day. I got some smiles but nothing beyond that. I beamed the whole way home. I was so happy. I didn’t want to take the top off when I got home. Instead I just kicked the skirt off and left the top on to cover me. The little that it did.

Pain can be recovered from. I would like to say all scars heal but I know some are still there. That would be fooling myself, but last weekend helped me reclaim something i had lost almost a decade ago. Part of the freedom to be me. Since then my mind has raced with outfit ideas that I want to try. Something that hasn’t happened since i was first coming out. More to come. 🙂

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Is it ok to have friends from before you transitioned?

For those who have transitioned I think this is a question we all asked at one point or another. As one grows in to who they are born to be you learn more about those who have been there not only from the beginning, but possibly further back beyond that.

I remember when i started to live full time. Most of the people around me were new to my life and only really knew me as me. There were a few who had been around before. Coming out can harbor feelings on all sides of life. I remember one friend saying he missed the old me. I didn’t really understand this remark. I was still me. Same likes and same attitude. He just saw something I didn’t.

Probably the most eye opening came with my best friend during my coming out. She was a dear friend of mine and helped me overcome a lot of my fears. She was completely supportive. We would go to gay bars together and dance our nights away and have a great time. Something changes though over the few years since my coming out I did not expect.

I decided to go back to school so I enrolled in the local college. This was a pretty big step for me considering it was not only the first place no one would know my old self but it was the first real time I stepped out without my best friend.

The experience was so awakening. I made sure to protect my secret and be who i was at all times. It was probably the happiest I had been in years. I made many friends at school. We would hang out between classes or during assignments we had in common. No one questioned me. Everyone just saw me for who I was. At least it was this way at school.

My best friend on the other hand had become more estranged to me. I was happy to see her and go out like we used to but it had changed. I could see the difference in how she treated me while knowing everything as opposed to those at school who knew me as me. I could tell my best friend still held back with things and had even become condescending with me.

The longer I allowed myself to grow at school the more I realized how bad things were with my best friend. I could go in to various other reasons that things became bad but they aren’t part of this point. The realization she treated me like she did was very disappointing.

Due to many reasons along with this one we parted ways as friends. Something i have seen happen with a lot of those I knew before I transitioned. The ones I have left are probably the oldest of friends I have. One goes back to high school. One was even a girl who had a crush on me in first grade. Which also leads to another funny note.

I am friends with three of my exes from before I transitioned. Every one of them had the same thing to say when I came out to them. They all said I love you but I’m not in to that. Did they think it was supposed to be a way to endear myself to them? lol. I have no clue but it was pretty funny they felt they had to say it.

My answer to is it okay? Yes, I think it is just fine. You will get used to the two different ways people will treat you. There will always be a huge difference between those who knew you before and those who don’t. Much like with those who have to decide if they can take who we are. We will have to decide if how they treat us is good for us. I know this sounds like a bad Disney saying but if they are true then they will be there forever.

Stealth Trans Dating

“Update” I am adding this update while laughing about it. I feel I should mention I am in no way a relationship expert (no such thing). I am not a professional in really any field. lol. This is all just my persons opinions and views.

This is a subject I used to wrestle with. What makes it worse is there are no clear answers and what is right and wrong can change depending on the scenario. What can be right with one person will be totally wrong with the next. That is to be expected no matter who you are.

The title of this post pretty much asks the main question right away. As a stealth transgender person how do you approach the subject with a potential partner. Their are no right answers. I have been both upfront with potential partners from the past as well as I withheld it till I was comfortable. Both ways have wielded positive and negative results.

I think the best answer I have to give for this question is get to know who you are talking to. We live in a wonderful era of the internet and talking to some one for a while before meeting them is quite common. I have met many people over the years over the internet and then in person. It is a great way to get to know some one and learn what red flags are there.

When I was younger I used to think things would just click when I met some one and I would fall in love and be happy. I thought the idea of putting restrictions and personal wants in the mix of finding a potential partner would restrict my search and possibly deny me the love I sought. From what I experienced I was completely backwards in thinking. By not having thoughts of what would make me happy in a relationship I opened myself up to let down and even emotional/physical abuse at the hands of those I thought I loved.

Is it wrong to keep this kind of secret from some one? That depends on the situation. If you are just talking with some one and everything is casual then what harm is there? However, if you are already flirtatious and things are starting to get heated then it may be time to discuss this. The longer you go with a potential partner without telling them then the more likely it will end in distrust and disaster. If you are both already talking and thinking of things in a more intimate nature then it’s safe to say you trust each other enough to wish to actually be physical. Don’t let something like this actually break that already built trust.

How many dates is okay before you tell them? This is another one up for debate. Naturally the sooner you tell some one the more relaxed you will feel. There is a stress lifted when your partner knows the everything about you. (This comes from my personal experience). My answer is almost the same as the last question. If you can tell things are going really well and a bond is forming then it might be time to tell them.

I know by now there will be some straight people who feel i am advocating for other trans to “lie” to potential partners. This is one of those interesting points you hear about from those who don’t trust the trans community. I understand their point. That being said, it is not a lie. Men don’t walk up to women and start a conversation with i have an eight inch dick uncircumcised. Women don’t meet a man and go here is my cup size and I have extremely large Labia. If they do then I would have to question their interest in a regular relationship anyways.

Trans people are not lying to you. They are not coercing you in to something you wouldn’t normally chose. You have every right to say that you are not interested when the time comes. If the time comes. This particular issue always reminds me of that old joke that straight people never want to think about dating the same sex but quite often will gloat that their same gender counterparts think they are attractive. A mentality I think I can gladly say I do not understand.

One key think I feel is important is don’t feel obligated to tell everyone you go out with right away. If you feel the issue is that detrimental to the situation then I would have to ask if that is a relationship that can flourish at all. If you have real reason to doubt the potential partner then it is a bad situation to begin with. Though we live in better times now. There are still lots of people who aren’t okay with trans people. This is the number one reason to be aware of the people you are interacting with.

There is also the possibility that you will meet the person and there will be no sparks. Sure your casual conversation is good but it’s more of a friend type situation. If they are better a better friend than a partner then there need to know your personal details is not there. Especially if you are stealth. Now if they become a close friend (I am still referring to a non sexual relationship) you might consider telling them. Depends on how comfortable and close you become. I have many friends I have never told.

I share these personal feelings on the subject because there are many times in recorded past that people who are trans have met with grim fates because of coming out to potential partners. While the grim side of it falls mostly to Trans Women who date Men, it be an issue for all other sides as well.

I am sure by reading this far you have already figured out what I am about to say but the key is to get to know who you are dealing with. I know as a trans person in this world, it can feel like meeting anyone who doesn’t see you as a fetish or a freak can seem daunting. At least that was a good portion of the people I met back when I was actually dating. Those kind of people are not worth your time.

Allow me a cliche of an ending here but it is 100% true. To all my trans brothers and sisters. Never feel bad about who you are. If some one else can’t deal with it then they are not worth your time. Find some one who makes you feel like the wonderful individuals you are. Be loved and be happy.

Only thing to fear is fear itself, And Snakes

I am literally writing this just a few moments after I wake up. My hands are still trembling and I can feel my nerves on end over it. Our dreams should comfort us. Then again I don’t have the Best track record of that when I am sick.

I like to think I keep a good control on my nerves and fears. It is something I have to do on almost a daily basis. I have forced myself through many situations and grown much better as a person for it. So I hope that gives you an idea of how I try to deal with things when I say I absolutely cannot stand snakes. I don’t think they are gross looking and I don’t think of them as evil. I don’t even really believe in the concept of evil but that is for another time I think.

They petrify me to my core. The idea of being near one makes my body want to find the quickest way out it can. There are no awww they are cute moments. Recognizing one near me means instead internal fear. I can’t even say it is a fear I am proud of because it happens whether I think about it or not. I have been this way my entire life. I remember many nights as a child that I would end up wetting myself because I was to scared of snakes in the hallway to go to the bathroom.

So why do I say all this? Because last night hurt. My dream was non stop torture not only by the creature in question but by some one I love. At one point a snake was even thrown on me in my dream. I could feel it moving around as I tried to get away. My panic agitating the creature and making it hiss and want to strike. Hearing the laugh of the loved one as they watch me try to squirm free. This is the kind of stuff I don’t wake up easy from.

Very rarely can I read my own dreams. I cant imagine putting to much stock in to them while I am sick. If I did I could only imagine the meanings of half of them. Reading dreams is something I generally only do for other people. I have been really good at it in the past. Even told a girl she was pregnant before she knew. All because of a dream she shared with me.

This dream was basic. It was about fear. Snakes have always represented the worst to me. Mainly because of the fear I have of them. Having some one I love tossing them at me? Simple, I am unsure about things and have my guard up. I am trying to protect myself. Which I eventually did in the dream. I did by putting my phone on the agitated snakes head. The phone has a little weight to it so the creature had trouble moving about. This gave me time to get away. I escaped by myself. My phone being a clear answer of support. An easy life line if you will.

The hardest part of the dream (besides the snakes) was the loved one. They giggled as I panicked and eventually squirmed free. Then walked with me out of where we were. I was shaken but still walking with them. Basic fear of being hurt. and given my emotions as of recent I am not surprised at all this would happen in my dreams. Just wish it was easier. Snakes take a lot out of me. I will never understand the total fear that takes me over. How can I? After all, it is on the subconscious level.

I am scared of being hurt. In the end aren’t we all? After all we all take chances that can either change things for the better or hurt us. It is kind of a part of life. One thing I can say is even as much as I hate snakes they have never stopped me from going after what I want in life. Go big or go home is a saying that comes to mind. One I personally believe in. You should always pursue your goals and dreams. No matter the obstacle or threat.