Tag Archives: M2F

Hormone Therapy at 40

For those who want a quick abbreviation of what I was going to discuss the title says everything. lol. As of the 20th of december I will have been on estrogen homone therapy for three months. Something that I wanted to take some time with them before I commented. It would have been easy for me to get on here and just start talking about my hopes for them and what I thought would be happening. Instead I gave myself some time and tried to avoid the hype of this new adventure.

For those interested in in the medical side of things I am currently taking 2MG tablets of Estrodial and 100MG tablets of Spironolactone. Estrodial is the estrogen pill and Spironolactone is the testosterone reducer. I take both once a day with food.

From day one I knew it was going to be an interesting go at it. I spent the first day in an odd fog that felt more like I had been drinking for an hour or so. That wasnt the responce I was hoping for at all. Luckily it did pass and by the second day it was more of normal me. After the fog of the first day the following weeks gave me a clarity and calm in my mind I dont think I have ever known before. Sure I have been relaxed and calm many times before. I used to meditate. This was more of an understanding of me and the world around me. For lack of a better term, I felt right. Not very descriptive I know, but that is exactly how I felt.

The first month saw something I was happy to have change. My labido had drastically dropped. I was never a very excitable person, but I did have my issues like many others. You are no spring chicken after 40 years as the saying goes. The issue of arousal by visual stimuli was gone entirely. I have found my ability to be aroused now seems to be almost solely focused on touch. I like this since it removes day to day aggrivations and keeps that exactly where it should be. With the one I love.

The second month is where things started changing for the more interesting. By the end of the first month my skin felt smooth and younger. More so my in my arms and chest than anywhere else, but the rest followed shortly. Clothing felt like fine fabrics brushing against my skin.

By the end of the second month my whole body felt alien yet familiar. After 40 years one gets used to and stops thinking about something as basic as their own skin texture. I was never one for manual labor so my skin had stayed soft for a long time. So when the hormones kicked in it was a difference of a high thread count cotton bedspread to silk. Easily noticed and welcomed happily as an unexpected surprise.

Towards the middle to end of the second month also saw something I didnt expect to see so fast. My chest had loosened already from my body and began swelling. Nothing major, but it was noticable. It makes the bra inserts I wear something I had yet to think about. There will come a time when they will be too akward to wear anymore and I will have to rely on my natural breasts.

There is a soreness that comes along with this as well. I am sure young girls are taught this when they take health class. I was not fortunate enough to learn this. Though I have no problem learning the hard way. It starts off as feeling like there is a growth under your nipple and then leads to some expansion. The growth does seem to change in size with everything else around it. Now at almost the third month mark I can say I easily have A-Cup breasts. Something very different than my body previously had.

The pain is also constant. From what I have read in many write ups. The breast pain will last about two or three years. I use the word pain but I will admit it isn’t really pain unless I lay on my stomach and chest. If it gets bad I find ice packs and ibuprofin work just fine. An odd observation is how my chest will hurt more at night. I am not sure why this is but it happens.

The only negative I can really comment on at this point is my lower back. I sufferend an injury years ago helping some one move. I tore a muscle in my back and it has never fully gone away. Though the irritation and pain from it seems to have gotten worse with the hormones. Nothing to debilitating but enough for me to take more frequent breaks.

I think this is all I really have to say at this point. As things develop (pun intended?) I will be posting more. I will also have more personal thoughts as well. For now. From your 40 year old stealth trans I say have a good week. 🙂

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It’s Time

Probably not the best of titles but when you read this you will understand why I chose it. I have spent the last 14 years becoming the person I am today. from chosing clothing styles to how I present myself. Right down to the fact I have lived more than a decade as a stealth trans woman. Yet so much was locked away from me due to the issue of having no money.

While I have lived in stealth for over a decade I have never once started hormones or been able to change any of my papers to match who I am. these are issues that scare me from doing so much in view of the public.How I made it through college is still a shock to me. Yet here I sit. A changed woman who is about to take steps into a future she had thought unobtainable. 

A few months ago I was finally able to change my gender marker on my drivers liscence. I sat in my car looking at the piece of paper with an F instead of an M and just cried. I was so happy! I never knew it was possible to feal so happy over something so small. A smile never left my face as tears flowed down my cheeks. the hurdle that scared me most through college was gone. sure I picture was horrible but thats a drivers liscence for you. 

I forgot to mention. There is a reason I am posting this today. In one month I go see my new doctor about starting hormone therapy. another thing I never thought would be possible. Yet here it is staring me in the face. It’s funny to know I am so excited about a concept such as a second puberty. I know the first one was akward and lackluster to say the least. Watching other girls get breasts and wearing cute outfits (as well as dealing with periods) while I was watching hair grow all over me and wearing heavy t-shirts and jeans to hide what felt so wrong to me. 

I don’t regret my past at all,  but I love the fact I am now able to do things I’ve felt for so long in my childhood. In one month the six year old who laid in bed staring at the moon wishing (sometimes in tears) to be a girl will get her wish. Or at least the start of it anyways. I know hormones are unpredictable but I will gladly take what they offer. Even if I’ve already been me outwardly to the world. 

A lot of questions cross my mind regarding the coming use of hormones. I’ve researched everything they can do both good and bad. Nothing has really made me concerned. With my loving partner by my side I welcome things to come. 

I grew dark and negative shortly after I started this blog. News started scaring me and I let everything get to me. I told myself I wouldn’t return until I had positive things to share. So here I am. Your friendly neighborhood stealth trans woman taking on a world that is in and if itself in the middle of an identity crisis. 

A question left to the bygone days of pop culture news coverage.

Life can be quite funny. Especially when you realize everything runs in trends. What will be relevant one moment and mean the world to some will fall silent as if time itself says you had enough. I have seen this happen many times to many different subjects over the decades. However, now we are left with a passed topic that was not only popular, but affects a small portion of the world, myself included.

If you haven’t figured it out yet I am talking about the great bathroom debate of 2016. What was once daily being spoken of from both sides and found its way in to many governing offices has now gone silent. Understandably so. With the riotous and extremely scary circus that has become our presidential debate how could the eyes of the populous not move to them.

Yet this time it has left a nagging issue for those of us who had our fates being determined by our precious political system. The basic right to use the restroom peacefully is still a question. Will we be arrested if we use the restroom? Will we face recourse from the public for simply answering natures call?

No answers. Just like before. Only this time legal actions have been taken in some places. So thanks to the popularity train no answers were widely reached. The country with the motto liberty and justice for all forgot to tell us that it only happens if the populous cares long enough to make a decision.

This is honestly both a good thing and a bad thing. At least from where I sit. On the positive side there are many states that didn’t bother with the popular debate. They sat quietly allowing people to deal with the issue as it arises. Essentially it is down to the people involved. That is if it even becomes an issue. In this thought alone I feel the loss of the countries eye has been a good thing, but to believe it would be this simple would lead to complete naivete on my own part.

For lack of better term they threw down the gauntlet then walked away. I can’t speak for other but this worries me. Probably more so than if they had actually won in the courts. They bullied Target in to taking back its own ruling. All because of the fear of rape from straight perverts. The opponents of our rights used straight rapists and our children to scare a world in to thinking basically we are dangerous.

What is more perplexing is what the country is also talking about right now. Elitists kids raping women and getting slaps on the wrists for it. I laughed at myself as I watched these events unfolding. All I could think was no wonder people fear the trans community. Rapists get nothing and the poor women who are assaulted are left to pick up the pieces. What kind of justice is that? It actually makes me understand the fear the country has created around people like myself.

After all any man can put on a dress and some make up, claim to be one of us and enter a restroom. Hell the idea of a man in the women’s restroom scares me as well. I understand the idea of safe space really well. There have been times I have found solace in a public restroom from not so lucky encounters.

Then comes the harder thoughts. I have been assaulted. I have had my clothes unwillingly ripped off my body. I have been raped. I went in to a lost state after I realized I could tell no one and trying to cope with my own physical and mental issues lead me to a very depressed state. I tried calling a rape crisis line. I was met with a CIS gender only policy. Family hadn’t been the most accepting of who I am so they were of no help.

So here in lies the problem as far as I can see it. My worth means nothing to this country because I am trans. I get no rights. Or maybe I should say I am not awarded the niceties of our culture because others have lumped trans people like me in with the worst of our species. I would say I get no justice but if CIS women can’t get the help they deserve then I know I am on my own. Even in my stealth a doctor will eventually discover what is underneath. Considering what I have dealt with in regards to this issue over the years staying silent is the only thing I could do. My physical pain healed years ago. I like to think I do pretty good mentally.

My apologies. I am a bit off topic. While it is relevant to my particular case, it doesn’t move the issue along. It is a battle cry I have said many times before. More so over the last year watching rape case after rape case where the attackers are set free. If you violate another human being then you don’t deserve these things. We need more harsh punishments for people (of all genders) who do such heinous acts to anyone. No one should have to go through that. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

So yeah. Bathrooms. My right to pee scares me because I don’t know what my rights are. As a born citizen of this country that scares the crap out of me. I essentially have no real secure rights or protections. Can’t go in women’s restrooms because if I am discovered they can fear I will rape them. Cant go in men’s restrooms because I fear rape myself. Never mind the fact I do not look like a man. Thanks to the attention span of the press and the modern culture trans lives across the country are now left in a heated climate to sort out for themselves what is safe and what isn’t. Kind of like before. But now there is severe animosity.

What I think is actually worse than the bathroom debate not being finished is the cold hard truth the recent news has shown us. Rapists will rape. Whether the world thinks they have access to bathrooms or not. If they want to they will. We are certainly seeing that. So what was really gained by all the fear-mongering over the bathroom debate?

I wish I could leave this post on a happier note. I wish I could say the lack of news or public eye makes it easier, it doesn’t. Keep our brothers and sisters in your thoughts when going in to a restroom. Remember the ease of which you can go freely. No recourse. No hassle. It is a natural right and freedom I don’t share.One that many like me will keep others from living their lives the way everyone else gets to.

Is it ok to have friends from before you transitioned?

For those who have transitioned I think this is a question we all asked at one point or another. As one grows in to who they are born to be you learn more about those who have been there not only from the beginning, but possibly further back beyond that.

I remember when i started to live full time. Most of the people around me were new to my life and only really knew me as me. There were a few who had been around before. Coming out can harbor feelings on all sides of life. I remember one friend saying he missed the old me. I didn’t really understand this remark. I was still me. Same likes and same attitude. He just saw something I didn’t.

Probably the most eye opening came with my best friend during my coming out. She was a dear friend of mine and helped me overcome a lot of my fears. She was completely supportive. We would go to gay bars together and dance our nights away and have a great time. Something changes though over the few years since my coming out I did not expect.

I decided to go back to school so I enrolled in the local college. This was a pretty big step for me considering it was not only the first place no one would know my old self but it was the first real time I stepped out without my best friend.

The experience was so awakening. I made sure to protect my secret and be who i was at all times. It was probably the happiest I had been in years. I made many friends at school. We would hang out between classes or during assignments we had in common. No one questioned me. Everyone just saw me for who I was. At least it was this way at school.

My best friend on the other hand had become more estranged to me. I was happy to see her and go out like we used to but it had changed. I could see the difference in how she treated me while knowing everything as opposed to those at school who knew me as me. I could tell my best friend still held back with things and had even become condescending with me.

The longer I allowed myself to grow at school the more I realized how bad things were with my best friend. I could go in to various other reasons that things became bad but they aren’t part of this point. The realization she treated me like she did was very disappointing.

Due to many reasons along with this one we parted ways as friends. Something i have seen happen with a lot of those I knew before I transitioned. The ones I have left are probably the oldest of friends I have. One goes back to high school. One was even a girl who had a crush on me in first grade. Which also leads to another funny note.

I am friends with three of my exes from before I transitioned. Every one of them had the same thing to say when I came out to them. They all said I love you but I’m not in to that. Did they think it was supposed to be a way to endear myself to them? lol. I have no clue but it was pretty funny they felt they had to say it.

My answer to is it okay? Yes, I think it is just fine. You will get used to the two different ways people will treat you. There will always be a huge difference between those who knew you before and those who don’t. Much like with those who have to decide if they can take who we are. We will have to decide if how they treat us is good for us. I know this sounds like a bad Disney saying but if they are true then they will be there forever.

What makes terms like lifestyle good or bad?

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines a lifestyle as such.

:the typical way of life of an individual, group, or culture

In its purest of forms this make people calling how LGBT people live a lifestyle correct. BUT, one thing they are forgetting is that we do not refer to the heterosexual way of life as a lifestyle. We do not refer to it as a choice. It is just what they do. This is why the word has garnered such a bad reputation among the LGBT population.

There are plenty of words that have been used to describe LGBT people. Most of which are no longer acceptable to say despite their more traditional meanings. Calling some one gay in a derogatory manner is frowned upon. Yet no one remembers what its original meaning is. The same is said for the word queer. The word simply meant happy. It still does. No one complained about the film Nightmare Before Christmas when Jack Skelington sang the words ‘how queer”.

The song described Jacks new experiences in Christmas town. Its use of the word queer came from the more traditional definition so the audience had very little to complain about. Now had he said it about another character in the film I am sure it would have taken on a completely different meaning.

On the opposite end of this is the Green Day song American Idiot where the song used the line “maybe I’m the faggot america”. This caused an uproar and forced the song to be censored without even knowing the meaning of the lyrics. The following line in the song is “I’m not a part of the redneck agenda”. A very provocative statement. Especially in this era where the conservative movement has pushed harder to deny LGBT rights.The use of the word was all anyone heard. It was enough for an uproar. At least for those who are incapable of looking at the bigger picture.

The worse use I can remember over the last decade has been in some of my favorite films. I love watching Kevin Smith films. From Clerks all the way to Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. These are great classic comedies that talked a lot about the culture at the time and often poked fun at it. Jay and Silent Bob Strike back had one joke though that pointed out a very dark look at his films for me. In it a female bad guy does something that is considered weird or abnormal. Her friend turns to her and simply says “you are so gay”.

As funny as his films are they quite often have very derogatory views on the LGBT community. I do excuse Chasing Amy from this because of the many LGBT issues and messages it gets across, but this only furthers my confusion when I think about it. The earlier films were a voice of their time. The early 90s were full of this kind of talk. By the turn of the decade though things were not so crude. So it made the comment in Jay and Silent Bob very uncomfortable.

Another great point of how those who aren’t labeled by the terms is when actor John Barrowman defended his use of the term tranny. In his opinion the trangendered people of the world should quit whining and be okay with the term. Yet I can only imagine how angry he would feel if he was casually referred to as a faggot and told to accept it because that is what he is to some people. He of anyone should have known better. The power of labels can be hurtful.

So why do I bring all this up you ask? As much as I would like to say I have a simple point I do not.The use of the word lifestyle in our current culture carries one meaning when regarding the LGBT community. It is a way for those who don’t understand LGBT people to understand what they consider to be a choice. This is the only answer I can think of that makes sense and this answer makes the term very unhealthy.

This version of the word has been around for a while. It was further re enforced to me over the weekend when a family member was talking about how she knows gay people and a gay friend was offended when she referred his lifestyle. She felt he was being to sensitive. I even told her as an example what if he was to refer to your religious views as a lifestyle. Yet she pointed out how its not a lifestyle and kept on saying how people are too sensitive.

Like I said earlier. No one refers to heterosexuality as a choice. We don’t refer to being human as a choice. We don’t even refer to ones religion as a lifestyle choice even though people chose which religion they believe in. So why should we hear about our “lifestyle” when it is naturally who we are?

What I personally hear when I hear my life being referred to as a lifestyle is that I have chosen a fetish that I live unhealthily. When I came out my sisters response was “that’s fine just keep it in the bedroom”. Like it was some sort of turn on. This opens up to a much bigger conversation for a later time. For now I want to stick to the issue at hand.

If you feel I missed the mark or see things differently please feel free to comment. I would love to talk about this.

A voice in North Carolina

With one of the worst pieces of legislation passed in North Carolina many people have spoken out against its homophobic ramifications. Sure IBM and a few other companies have spoken out against the new law, but it is a trans man that makes me smile the most. He is doing something I think shines a perfect light on the situation that the officials in North Carolina don’t understand.

I wont show his face but i will mention that he has my support and my hopes are with him. With the new law in place, it is now unlawful to use the restroom that doesn’t correspond to your birth certificate. Charlie has posted online that he will adhere to the law as he doesn’t with to violate it. What this does mean is since he was born a woman he is now going to be using the women’s restroom.

What you cant see here is the fact Charlie has undergone hormone treatment for some time. Any idea that he passed as a woman is long gone. Even if he could I am pretty sure the tailored beard would not help anything. So thanks to a new law that was designed to “keep predators out of the bathrooms and make these areas secure” now enforces those who pass as their real gender use the restroom that doesn’t match them.

Charlie will be in the restroom just like any of us. Little girls will see him in there and be lost as to why he is there. what is amazing is what charlie has decided to do in case he is confronted by a woman. He has printed out a card that explains the situation and informs the person with the problem that if they have a problem with it to combat such a hateful law. He has even said he will not give argument to those who confront him. Just a simple handing of the card and off he will go.

This move is not only brilliant, but completely brave and in the face of those who didn’t understand what they were actually doing. If they wanted to protect from sexual predators then they could have found more appropriate ways of doing so. As it stands all they do is bully a group of people who have done nothing but try to live.

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I love what Charlie is doing so much I have begun wondering what I would do if the same type of law would attempt to be passed where I am. I was told before by my therapist that I am a great speaker and would greatly help. That however is not me. I can speak just fine but what does this do for my stealth ability? Is that something worth giving up?

My answer is actually a resounding yes. What better way to prove a point that by pointing out the fact no one has had issues with me and the only reason I would be out is to show that I was thrown in to a rule that shouldn’t even apply to me. I smile as I think of what Charlie is doing. Part of me cant help but smile when i remember when I first started passing. I didn’t realize it at first but it had become apparent pretty fast.

I was in the men’s bathroom at work washing up after a long 8 hours. As I washed my hands a customer opened the door to come in. I could see him stop in the mirror as he saw me. He leaned back and looked at the symbol on the door. He was clearly shocked by my being there. He even waited for me to leave before coming in.

It was actually that day I had to rethink the bathroom situation. So the question stands could I go back in to the men’s restroom. If this is what it came down to where I am then I would say yes. And I would document the whole thing. I even have more ideas. Hopefully I wont need them, but if I do then I can guarantee they will happen. Way to go Charlie. You are an inspiration to me and probably thousands of trans people across the country. It should be interesting to see what happens.

Traveling when Trans

With this mornings upsetting news about North Carolina. I want to share my thoughts on the subject of traveling while being transgender. I have traveled quite a bit as I have both transitioned and lived my life as the woman I always was. I don’t think this is a topic many people think about when stuff like Indiana and North Carolina happen. Before i start I want to include Georgia in the list of states that are making headlines for creating such oppressive laws.

I have traveled to many states over the last ten years. It is something that can be exhilarating and quite scary at the same time. Traveling while trans however makes what can already be a unsure situation absolutely scary.

I would like to start with a trip I took about seven years ago to Arizona. I was travelling with a friend to meet up with a friend of hers who had moved there a few years prior. The traveling wasn’t much of an issue. We did our usual routine of listening to music and talking about who knows what. The last thing on my mind at the time was what people might have thought about me. That is how it should be.

To say the least Arizona was a nightmare publicly. I have yet to be in another state that made me feel as awkward as that one. People there have no problem giving stares at anyone they don’t feel is right. After we met up with her friend we decided to go out for the night and enjoy ourselves. We stopped and grabbed some food first. They were busy catching up so it allowed me to eat and just kind of hang out. I would join the conversation if I had something to say but otherwise I left them to it.

After dinner we went from bar to bar trying to find anything going on. This is where things fell apart completely for me. When a bar is involved the standard needing proof of identification comes in to play. The dread was felt every place we went as I saw the unpleasant faces of those who would look at me and read my I.D.. The last bar was the worst. The bouncers were police officers. One would think this would be a good thing. I am sure they do a good job of making sure nothing happens at the clubs. The look on the cop at the doors face when he saw me said it all. I was not welcome there. They made sure I knew it as well.

As my friend and her friend went in in front of me I waited for the cop to check out my I.D.. With a scowl now on his face he silently handed me my card and waved me in. Had that been the end of it I could have dealt with the insecurity of it. A quick glance behind me revealed he had waved a second cop over and was talking about me. Both of them had their eyes glued to me as they spoke. They didn’t hide it in the least.

Quickly I caught up with my friend hoping I would be left alone with people around me. They asked if I wanted a drink. I graciously refused knowing that would inevitably lead to needing to use the restroom. If those cops were still watching me there was no way they would let me go to the bathroom peacefully.

A moment of curiosity washed over me as I was trying to be sure things were as they seemed. I excused myself from the table and tried to find a place to stand where I could see the live band playing from. Everywhere i went i could see the blue shadow of a uniformed officer. His uniform was almost black against the dimly lit club. The stage lights made him stand out. Realizing there was a upstairs with a balcony to see the stage from I went up the steps.

To do so I had to pass the main door again. the cop at the door watched as I passed. I could see him nod to my follower as he rounded the steps to proceed upstairs as well. My heart was pounding at this point. My friend hadn’t noticed a thing the whole time. I don’t think she even saw me go upstairs. If something happened then to her I would have just disappeared.

The upstairs balcony was pretty empty. I remember I started to panic at the lack of patrons up stairs. If the cop wanted he could have easily made my night a nightmare then and there. I walked up to the balcony overlooking the stage. In the weird design of the club I laughed realizing the band was so far back their heads were cut off by the front of the ceiling.

Even though I couldn’t see them properly I stood there a few moments. I could feel the cops eyes on me the whole time. After a few minutes I looked around the upstairs area. There were three people sitting at a table on the far side. Beyond them it was just the cop and I.

Terror was getting the better of me. Worse yet it was making me have to go to the bathroom. All that pressure on my bladder was having a very negative effect. Deciding I couldn’t take it anymore I came up with a plan to leave upstairs. It was probably more than I needed to do but I wanted the cop to realize I was aware he was following me.

I turned around and walked straight to him. The moment I faced him he tried to focus else ware but I knew better. I walked up to him and smiled as much as my terrified body could. I asked him if there was a proper place from where I could see the show. His look said it all once again. The fact I was even talking to him disgusted him. Without saying a word he shook his head no.

I smiled even wider and said thanks. I excused myself back down stairs as fast as I could without looking like I was trying to run. I made it back to my friend who was still chatting with her friend. He was waiting for something to catch me on. if i was lucky that was all he was doing. Even then I could imagine far worse things than a false arrest. I saw him come downstairs a few minutes after I did.

Needless to say I didn’t use the restroom till we got back to her friends house. By then the pain was unbearable. Every stabbing pain in my stomach reminded me of the fear that the night had given me. We couldn’t leave to go home fast enough. I never said a word though. I wasn’t about to ruin her trip because of this. I did tell her after we got back but that was it.

I share this memory as a look inside what it is like to travel as a trans person. To say the least I get nervous when the idea of traveling becomes an option. Thoughts of what the people are like, are they super judgmental? I do love to travel, but with the climate the way it is for LGBT people I cant see myself doing so that much. I am proud of the large companies who take stances against these barbaric laws. They have so far been the biggest road block for such bills.

All these fears happen every time I travel. I wish I had something more witty to end with but this cold hard truth is all I have. I may be brave and travel, but the truth is I am aware each state comes with its own set of rules and regulations for people like me. I can tell you this for sure. I have a list of states I will never set foot in again. At the top? Arizona.

Life has its funny moments

There are always many triggers in our lives that will remind us of the past. Key elements that stick out as either really good or really bad. I have my share of them just as any one else does. I don’t know if I just don’t pay attention anymore or if I am just slowing down. Either way I just found myself smiling at a little bit of the past.

My coming out was pretty much a disaster. While I don’t want to go over a lot of it in this post. I will say it was full of sadness, drinking and all around sense of loss. I had turned to the few friends I thought were close to me for support.

One of the things we found ourselves doing to pass our time and relax was playing video games. They didn’t have many and I had no access to mine at the time. I remember two games specifically that we would play often. It was either that or our aimless travels around the city.

The reason I even write this is because one of the games has come back in to my life. It was a cute and energetic game by the makers of Rock Band. I have had the game in my possession for the last 24 hours. I didn’t even realize what it was till I was cleaning it. I will be going in to more of my coming out experience at a later time. When I realized what it was I remembered many nights we would play it trying to beat each others high scores.

A lot about that particular point in time has been marred by negative events and feelings. That will happen with such events. But that is not what this is about. This is about a happy point in those times. Sure I had lost pretty much all of my normal life and was lucky to have a friend to offer a safe place to stay. We still played the games and had a great time doing so.

Not totally sure what I was getting across with this blog other than the expression of a happy memory. It is too easy to forget the good times and dwell on the bad. Especially in this era. I am glad to have another reminder in my life that even at life’s worst I still had happy moments.

A Question from the Depths of the Non Educated

One memory that has popped up time and time again since starting this blog is from the early days when I wasn’t so passable. It was an instance as pivotal to me as the day i realized being transgender doesn’t mean I have to like men. It’s a memory that reminds me so few people really take the time to think about all the different types of people there are out there.

The memory starts as a few friends and I leave a department store. We had a lot of free time those days and often spent them traveling from one random location to the next. It was a fun way to just get out and live without taking a huge and expensive trip. None of us had any money so it was the bus or nothing. There was a new person with us that day. One of my dear friends friends. He was your average late teen emo looking kid with the personality to match.

We were walking from the department store to a adjoining video game store to see what kind of games they carried. During the walk there were many questions regarding why I was transgender and how I felt about different things. At the time this was quite commonplace. It was becoming pretty commonplace to hear a plethora of questions from curious parties. Though even at the time i wanted to be stealth. I knew it was better for me to be open since it was something I didn’t really have an option with.

The others stepped away for a moment trying to find another friend who was meeting us there. I stood there with my friends friend as he continued his questions. When he saw the others walk away he leaned in and whispered a question that stuck with me even to this day.

“Admit it. You are like this for the girl on girl action aren’t you.” He was smiling at the thought of my answer. I could see he was expecting me to join him in this odd male fantasy.

The question immediately made me mad. It was one of the worst and most judgmental questions I had ever been asked. It honestly took me by surprise. How does one answer such a pig headed remark? Worse yet was the idea I didn’t want to be rude. I welcomed the questions up till that point but this was to far.

In the end I let out a sigh and proceeded to explain so his horn dog of a mind could understand. Sex does not interest me. It never really has. For me it is all about the mental connection between two people.

I even went further explaining how I was not comfortable with my parts nor did I really like using them. His face said it all. I had to work to keep from laughing at his clear shock. I don’t think he had ever heard anyone say those kinds of things before.

“Then how do you? “he asked trying to wrap his mind around the answers.

I smiled and raised one hand in front of him letting my fingers dance in the wind. With that I saw the others coming back and moved on to the game store. It took them a while to catch up to me afterwards. No doubt they discussed what I said. I stood in the store looking at the games smiling. I had only told a few people that before and they were the closest friends I had at the time.

They joined me in the store and no one spoke of it. At least not till later when my good friend told me how I blew his mind. She already knew this so it was funny to her as well.

It is pretty funny. The assumptions people can make about one another. We presume so much about the people around us just by physical appearance. I honestly don’t think he knew anything about transgender people. His mind could only comprehend the male properties of it all.

This was the only time a question like this was asked of me. To be honest I am kind of glad he did. When he asked I tried to see his side of it. The physical nature of who we are was never that important to me. More so after that question. It allowed me to question myself and understand myself more.

First Time You Passed

Ok. An interesting question that not only reminded me of happy moments. We all have them. The first moments it happened were probably come of the happiest I ever got to experience. I attribute these three as the first and most defining moments for me.

This paragraph is for those who aren’t trans. A little explanation as to why this is such a huge thing. learning to dress yourself and understand make up can be grueling and scary. My sisters had make up and I knew other girls who did as well but I had no experience. Over the years I have learned to look at starting to come out and living full time as yourself as a form of second puberty. Everything is awkward and embarrassing again. After a while we start to understand it and grow with it just as any teenage girl would. We just have to deal with it later. (most of us. so many young trans kids nowadays but that is another topic.)

The first experience was such a simple moment. It wasn’t anything grand but most straight guys out there will understand its significance. When I was attending the local college I had to walk for 40 minutes to get to the closest bus stop. For some reason the walk never got any easier. My generic mp3 player kept me singing and walking happily as I made my way to the bus stop.

The bus stop was located right next to a 7/11. I would go in and get a bottled water to help my body relax from the long walk. On this day I was walking towards the door when a man in front of me saw me coming and stopped while holding the door open. I smiled happy and said thank you as I passed. He nodded and continued on with his shopping. While I am not a huge fan of the gender stereotypical roles I did find this moment quite endearing. A kind gesture was the beginning of my ability to try and relax in a world that scares me.

A second came as a little more embarrassing moment. Embarrassing but still welcome. I was going to the bank to deposit my check. This was right when they had just added in the debit card machines you swipe your card in to access your account as opposed to the old method of writing everything down on paper.

I swiped my card and thought nothing of it. After a moment the teller informed me I had swiped the wrong debit card. I looked at her a moment confused till she replied you swiped your husbands card. I couldn’t help but laugh a little at the misunderstanding. Even if I could feel my cheeks turning red with embarrassment. There was no way I was going to answer her vocally. Instead Held up my hand and rummaged through my purse for a pen.

Taking the pen out I also pulled the envelop I was still carrying that my check came in. On the envelope i simply wrote. This is my card. I am transgender. Her eyes widened as i smiled at the clear surprise in her face. Though it wasn’t a bad surprise. She smiled and went back to processing my check. Once done I gave my customary thank you. She smiled back and said have a great day.

The third was probably not only the funniest but also the most endearing. Right next to the bus stop was also a subway restaurant. I typically try to avoid spending extra money if I can, but this day I had not eaten and had three classes ahead of me. If I had to eat fast food I could imagine far worse than subway. A boy in his late teens stood behind the counter. I smiled and ordered one of the subs I like. When it came to checking out I gave him my debit card. As usual with most debit/credit cards he asked to see my i.d. card. Hesitant I pulled it out realizing this was one of those moments that could have been really rough. Much like with the bank attendant the boy looked at the card and then to me with a bit of a shock on his face.

What followed surely made me blush but not with embarrassment like before. The boy smiled at me and handed me back my card. You look much better now. Is what he said as he returned my card. Now that I think of it I think this was my first ever flattered moment. I could feel my smile go ear to ear as I said thank you. He nodded. I am sure he said more but I honestly cannot remember what it was. lol. I was so blown away by his comment I said thank you and left the store feeling like I had just been declared a beauty queen.

Silly to feel that way I am sure but when you doubt and are scared of the world around you this is the kind of information you need. Not so much the flattery and the reassurance but the acknowledgement that it is no big deal. These moments have helped define me and warm me to the world that I have grown ever so fond of since I decided to live full time.

If anyone would like to share their experience in the comments I would love to hear them. 🙂 After all it is better to share the happy moments. The bad have their place as well but we need to remember to smile and be happy.