Tag Archives: Stealth

A question left to the bygone days of pop culture news coverage.

Life can be quite funny. Especially when you realize everything runs in trends. What will be relevant one moment and mean the world to some will fall silent as if time itself says you had enough. I have seen this happen many times to many different subjects over the decades. However, now we are left with a passed topic that was not only popular, but affects a small portion of the world, myself included.

If you haven’t figured it out yet I am talking about the great bathroom debate of 2016. What was once daily being spoken of from both sides and found its way in to many governing offices has now gone silent. Understandably so. With the riotous and extremely scary circus that has become our presidential debate how could the eyes of the populous not move to them.

Yet this time it has left a nagging issue for those of us who had our fates being determined by our precious political system. The basic right to use the restroom peacefully is still a question. Will we be arrested if we use the restroom? Will we face recourse from the public for simply answering natures call?

No answers. Just like before. Only this time legal actions have been taken in some places. So thanks to the popularity train no answers were widely reached. The country with the motto liberty and justice for all forgot to tell us that it only happens if the populous cares long enough to make a decision.

This is honestly both a good thing and a bad thing. At least from where I sit. On the positive side there are many states that didn’t bother with the popular debate. They sat quietly allowing people to deal with the issue as it arises. Essentially it is down to the people involved. That is if it even becomes an issue. In this thought alone I feel the loss of the countries eye has been a good thing, but to believe it would be this simple would lead to complete naivete on my own part.

For lack of better term they threw down the gauntlet then walked away. I can’t speak for other but this worries me. Probably more so than if they had actually won in the courts. They bullied Target in to taking back its own ruling. All because of the fear of rape from straight perverts. The opponents of our rights used straight rapists and our children to scare a world in to thinking basically we are dangerous.

What is more perplexing is what the country is also talking about right now. Elitists kids raping women and getting slaps on the wrists for it. I laughed at myself as I watched these events unfolding. All I could think was no wonder people fear the trans community. Rapists get nothing and the poor women who are assaulted are left to pick up the pieces. What kind of justice is that? It actually makes me understand the fear the country has created around people like myself.

After all any man can put on a dress and some make up, claim to be one of us and enter a restroom. Hell the idea of a man in the women’s restroom scares me as well. I understand the idea of safe space really well. There have been times I have found solace in a public restroom from not so lucky encounters.

Then comes the harder thoughts. I have been assaulted. I have had my clothes unwillingly ripped off my body. I have been raped. I went in to a lost state after I realized I could tell no one and trying to cope with my own physical and mental issues lead me to a very depressed state. I tried calling a rape crisis line. I was met with a CIS gender only policy. Family hadn’t been the most accepting of who I am so they were of no help.

So here in lies the problem as far as I can see it. My worth means nothing to this country because I am trans. I get no rights. Or maybe I should say I am not awarded the niceties of our culture because others have lumped trans people like me in with the worst of our species. I would say I get no justice but if CIS women can’t get the help they deserve then I know I am on my own. Even in my stealth a doctor will eventually discover what is underneath. Considering what I have dealt with in regards to this issue over the years staying silent is the only thing I could do. My physical pain healed years ago. I like to think I do pretty good mentally.

My apologies. I am a bit off topic. While it is relevant to my particular case, it doesn’t move the issue along. It is a battle cry I have said many times before. More so over the last year watching rape case after rape case where the attackers are set free. If you violate another human being then you don’t deserve these things. We need more harsh punishments for people (of all genders) who do such heinous acts to anyone. No one should have to go through that. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

So yeah. Bathrooms. My right to pee scares me because I don’t know what my rights are. As a born citizen of this country that scares the crap out of me. I essentially have no real secure rights or protections. Can’t go in women’s restrooms because if I am discovered they can fear I will rape them. Cant go in men’s restrooms because I fear rape myself. Never mind the fact I do not look like a man. Thanks to the attention span of the press and the modern culture trans lives across the country are now left in a heated climate to sort out for themselves what is safe and what isn’t. Kind of like before. But now there is severe animosity.

What I think is actually worse than the bathroom debate not being finished is the cold hard truth the recent news has shown us. Rapists will rape. Whether the world thinks they have access to bathrooms or not. If they want to they will. We are certainly seeing that. So what was really gained by all the fear-mongering over the bathroom debate?

I wish I could leave this post on a happier note. I wish I could say the lack of news or public eye makes it easier, it doesn’t. Keep our brothers and sisters in your thoughts when going in to a restroom. Remember the ease of which you can go freely. No recourse. No hassle. It is a natural right and freedom I don’t share.One that many like me will keep others from living their lives the way everyone else gets to.

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It’s been a while.

I have gone silent for a while. Something i wasn’t expecting on doing. As it turns out a fear swept over me. One I had not known since I first came out.

As I tried to figure out what exactly I wanted to do with this blog. I found myself reading articles on the world events involving trans people. Something that seemed to to spark a issue in myself. One i had to take time to work on. I became scared and fearful as I saw one negative article after another.

I had to stop reading articles on current trans events. I didn’t read them for a while. What it came down to was i have to watch myself when it comes to current events. Otherwise I will become a fearful mess again. Even as I write this I can think about the most recent news I read and shudder. News in this world is bad, but I became thinking that this was the wrong reason to care about this stuff.

I may go in to more of what has bothered me later. For now i just want to explain where i went and that I am returning. This time opting to avoid the delicate nature of the news. I want to focus more on what I intended to. My life and my views as seen from a trans woman who lives quietly in the shadows of those who live in the open. Stealth trans and her thoughts. 🙂

Is it ok to have friends from before you transitioned?

For those who have transitioned I think this is a question we all asked at one point or another. As one grows in to who they are born to be you learn more about those who have been there not only from the beginning, but possibly further back beyond that.

I remember when i started to live full time. Most of the people around me were new to my life and only really knew me as me. There were a few who had been around before. Coming out can harbor feelings on all sides of life. I remember one friend saying he missed the old me. I didn’t really understand this remark. I was still me. Same likes and same attitude. He just saw something I didn’t.

Probably the most eye opening came with my best friend during my coming out. She was a dear friend of mine and helped me overcome a lot of my fears. She was completely supportive. We would go to gay bars together and dance our nights away and have a great time. Something changes though over the few years since my coming out I did not expect.

I decided to go back to school so I enrolled in the local college. This was a pretty big step for me considering it was not only the first place no one would know my old self but it was the first real time I stepped out without my best friend.

The experience was so awakening. I made sure to protect my secret and be who i was at all times. It was probably the happiest I had been in years. I made many friends at school. We would hang out between classes or during assignments we had in common. No one questioned me. Everyone just saw me for who I was. At least it was this way at school.

My best friend on the other hand had become more estranged to me. I was happy to see her and go out like we used to but it had changed. I could see the difference in how she treated me while knowing everything as opposed to those at school who knew me as me. I could tell my best friend still held back with things and had even become condescending with me.

The longer I allowed myself to grow at school the more I realized how bad things were with my best friend. I could go in to various other reasons that things became bad but they aren’t part of this point. The realization she treated me like she did was very disappointing.

Due to many reasons along with this one we parted ways as friends. Something i have seen happen with a lot of those I knew before I transitioned. The ones I have left are probably the oldest of friends I have. One goes back to high school. One was even a girl who had a crush on me in first grade. Which also leads to another funny note.

I am friends with three of my exes from before I transitioned. Every one of them had the same thing to say when I came out to them. They all said I love you but I’m not in to that. Did they think it was supposed to be a way to endear myself to them? lol. I have no clue but it was pretty funny they felt they had to say it.

My answer to is it okay? Yes, I think it is just fine. You will get used to the two different ways people will treat you. There will always be a huge difference between those who knew you before and those who don’t. Much like with those who have to decide if they can take who we are. We will have to decide if how they treat us is good for us. I know this sounds like a bad Disney saying but if they are true then they will be there forever.

Traveling when Trans

With this mornings upsetting news about North Carolina. I want to share my thoughts on the subject of traveling while being transgender. I have traveled quite a bit as I have both transitioned and lived my life as the woman I always was. I don’t think this is a topic many people think about when stuff like Indiana and North Carolina happen. Before i start I want to include Georgia in the list of states that are making headlines for creating such oppressive laws.

I have traveled to many states over the last ten years. It is something that can be exhilarating and quite scary at the same time. Traveling while trans however makes what can already be a unsure situation absolutely scary.

I would like to start with a trip I took about seven years ago to Arizona. I was travelling with a friend to meet up with a friend of hers who had moved there a few years prior. The traveling wasn’t much of an issue. We did our usual routine of listening to music and talking about who knows what. The last thing on my mind at the time was what people might have thought about me. That is how it should be.

To say the least Arizona was a nightmare publicly. I have yet to be in another state that made me feel as awkward as that one. People there have no problem giving stares at anyone they don’t feel is right. After we met up with her friend we decided to go out for the night and enjoy ourselves. We stopped and grabbed some food first. They were busy catching up so it allowed me to eat and just kind of hang out. I would join the conversation if I had something to say but otherwise I left them to it.

After dinner we went from bar to bar trying to find anything going on. This is where things fell apart completely for me. When a bar is involved the standard needing proof of identification comes in to play. The dread was felt every place we went as I saw the unpleasant faces of those who would look at me and read my I.D.. The last bar was the worst. The bouncers were police officers. One would think this would be a good thing. I am sure they do a good job of making sure nothing happens at the clubs. The look on the cop at the doors face when he saw me said it all. I was not welcome there. They made sure I knew it as well.

As my friend and her friend went in in front of me I waited for the cop to check out my I.D.. With a scowl now on his face he silently handed me my card and waved me in. Had that been the end of it I could have dealt with the insecurity of it. A quick glance behind me revealed he had waved a second cop over and was talking about me. Both of them had their eyes glued to me as they spoke. They didn’t hide it in the least.

Quickly I caught up with my friend hoping I would be left alone with people around me. They asked if I wanted a drink. I graciously refused knowing that would inevitably lead to needing to use the restroom. If those cops were still watching me there was no way they would let me go to the bathroom peacefully.

A moment of curiosity washed over me as I was trying to be sure things were as they seemed. I excused myself from the table and tried to find a place to stand where I could see the live band playing from. Everywhere i went i could see the blue shadow of a uniformed officer. His uniform was almost black against the dimly lit club. The stage lights made him stand out. Realizing there was a upstairs with a balcony to see the stage from I went up the steps.

To do so I had to pass the main door again. the cop at the door watched as I passed. I could see him nod to my follower as he rounded the steps to proceed upstairs as well. My heart was pounding at this point. My friend hadn’t noticed a thing the whole time. I don’t think she even saw me go upstairs. If something happened then to her I would have just disappeared.

The upstairs balcony was pretty empty. I remember I started to panic at the lack of patrons up stairs. If the cop wanted he could have easily made my night a nightmare then and there. I walked up to the balcony overlooking the stage. In the weird design of the club I laughed realizing the band was so far back their heads were cut off by the front of the ceiling.

Even though I couldn’t see them properly I stood there a few moments. I could feel the cops eyes on me the whole time. After a few minutes I looked around the upstairs area. There were three people sitting at a table on the far side. Beyond them it was just the cop and I.

Terror was getting the better of me. Worse yet it was making me have to go to the bathroom. All that pressure on my bladder was having a very negative effect. Deciding I couldn’t take it anymore I came up with a plan to leave upstairs. It was probably more than I needed to do but I wanted the cop to realize I was aware he was following me.

I turned around and walked straight to him. The moment I faced him he tried to focus else ware but I knew better. I walked up to him and smiled as much as my terrified body could. I asked him if there was a proper place from where I could see the show. His look said it all once again. The fact I was even talking to him disgusted him. Without saying a word he shook his head no.

I smiled even wider and said thanks. I excused myself back down stairs as fast as I could without looking like I was trying to run. I made it back to my friend who was still chatting with her friend. He was waiting for something to catch me on. if i was lucky that was all he was doing. Even then I could imagine far worse things than a false arrest. I saw him come downstairs a few minutes after I did.

Needless to say I didn’t use the restroom till we got back to her friends house. By then the pain was unbearable. Every stabbing pain in my stomach reminded me of the fear that the night had given me. We couldn’t leave to go home fast enough. I never said a word though. I wasn’t about to ruin her trip because of this. I did tell her after we got back but that was it.

I share this memory as a look inside what it is like to travel as a trans person. To say the least I get nervous when the idea of traveling becomes an option. Thoughts of what the people are like, are they super judgmental? I do love to travel, but with the climate the way it is for LGBT people I cant see myself doing so that much. I am proud of the large companies who take stances against these barbaric laws. They have so far been the biggest road block for such bills.

All these fears happen every time I travel. I wish I had something more witty to end with but this cold hard truth is all I have. I may be brave and travel, but the truth is I am aware each state comes with its own set of rules and regulations for people like me. I can tell you this for sure. I have a list of states I will never set foot in again. At the top? Arizona.

Life has its funny moments

There are always many triggers in our lives that will remind us of the past. Key elements that stick out as either really good or really bad. I have my share of them just as any one else does. I don’t know if I just don’t pay attention anymore or if I am just slowing down. Either way I just found myself smiling at a little bit of the past.

My coming out was pretty much a disaster. While I don’t want to go over a lot of it in this post. I will say it was full of sadness, drinking and all around sense of loss. I had turned to the few friends I thought were close to me for support.

One of the things we found ourselves doing to pass our time and relax was playing video games. They didn’t have many and I had no access to mine at the time. I remember two games specifically that we would play often. It was either that or our aimless travels around the city.

The reason I even write this is because one of the games has come back in to my life. It was a cute and energetic game by the makers of Rock Band. I have had the game in my possession for the last 24 hours. I didn’t even realize what it was till I was cleaning it. I will be going in to more of my coming out experience at a later time. When I realized what it was I remembered many nights we would play it trying to beat each others high scores.

A lot about that particular point in time has been marred by negative events and feelings. That will happen with such events. But that is not what this is about. This is about a happy point in those times. Sure I had lost pretty much all of my normal life and was lucky to have a friend to offer a safe place to stay. We still played the games and had a great time doing so.

Not totally sure what I was getting across with this blog other than the expression of a happy memory. It is too easy to forget the good times and dwell on the bad. Especially in this era. I am glad to have another reminder in my life that even at life’s worst I still had happy moments.

Stealth Trans Dating

“Update” I am adding this update while laughing about it. I feel I should mention I am in no way a relationship expert (no such thing). I am not a professional in really any field. lol. This is all just my persons opinions and views.

This is a subject I used to wrestle with. What makes it worse is there are no clear answers and what is right and wrong can change depending on the scenario. What can be right with one person will be totally wrong with the next. That is to be expected no matter who you are.

The title of this post pretty much asks the main question right away. As a stealth transgender person how do you approach the subject with a potential partner. Their are no right answers. I have been both upfront with potential partners from the past as well as I withheld it till I was comfortable. Both ways have wielded positive and negative results.

I think the best answer I have to give for this question is get to know who you are talking to. We live in a wonderful era of the internet and talking to some one for a while before meeting them is quite common. I have met many people over the years over the internet and then in person. It is a great way to get to know some one and learn what red flags are there.

When I was younger I used to think things would just click when I met some one and I would fall in love and be happy. I thought the idea of putting restrictions and personal wants in the mix of finding a potential partner would restrict my search and possibly deny me the love I sought. From what I experienced I was completely backwards in thinking. By not having thoughts of what would make me happy in a relationship I opened myself up to let down and even emotional/physical abuse at the hands of those I thought I loved.

Is it wrong to keep this kind of secret from some one? That depends on the situation. If you are just talking with some one and everything is casual then what harm is there? However, if you are already flirtatious and things are starting to get heated then it may be time to discuss this. The longer you go with a potential partner without telling them then the more likely it will end in distrust and disaster. If you are both already talking and thinking of things in a more intimate nature then it’s safe to say you trust each other enough to wish to actually be physical. Don’t let something like this actually break that already built trust.

How many dates is okay before you tell them? This is another one up for debate. Naturally the sooner you tell some one the more relaxed you will feel. There is a stress lifted when your partner knows the everything about you. (This comes from my personal experience). My answer is almost the same as the last question. If you can tell things are going really well and a bond is forming then it might be time to tell them.

I know by now there will be some straight people who feel i am advocating for other trans to “lie” to potential partners. This is one of those interesting points you hear about from those who don’t trust the trans community. I understand their point. That being said, it is not a lie. Men don’t walk up to women and start a conversation with i have an eight inch dick uncircumcised. Women don’t meet a man and go here is my cup size and I have extremely large Labia. If they do then I would have to question their interest in a regular relationship anyways.

Trans people are not lying to you. They are not coercing you in to something you wouldn’t normally chose. You have every right to say that you are not interested when the time comes. If the time comes. This particular issue always reminds me of that old joke that straight people never want to think about dating the same sex but quite often will gloat that their same gender counterparts think they are attractive. A mentality I think I can gladly say I do not understand.

One key think I feel is important is don’t feel obligated to tell everyone you go out with right away. If you feel the issue is that detrimental to the situation then I would have to ask if that is a relationship that can flourish at all. If you have real reason to doubt the potential partner then it is a bad situation to begin with. Though we live in better times now. There are still lots of people who aren’t okay with trans people. This is the number one reason to be aware of the people you are interacting with.

There is also the possibility that you will meet the person and there will be no sparks. Sure your casual conversation is good but it’s more of a friend type situation. If they are better a better friend than a partner then there need to know your personal details is not there. Especially if you are stealth. Now if they become a close friend (I am still referring to a non sexual relationship) you might consider telling them. Depends on how comfortable and close you become. I have many friends I have never told.

I share these personal feelings on the subject because there are many times in recorded past that people who are trans have met with grim fates because of coming out to potential partners. While the grim side of it falls mostly to Trans Women who date Men, it be an issue for all other sides as well.

I am sure by reading this far you have already figured out what I am about to say but the key is to get to know who you are dealing with. I know as a trans person in this world, it can feel like meeting anyone who doesn’t see you as a fetish or a freak can seem daunting. At least that was a good portion of the people I met back when I was actually dating. Those kind of people are not worth your time.

Allow me a cliche of an ending here but it is 100% true. To all my trans brothers and sisters. Never feel bad about who you are. If some one else can’t deal with it then they are not worth your time. Find some one who makes you feel like the wonderful individuals you are. Be loved and be happy.

Stealth in Games

While I know video games are not always a favorite subject for many people. They are a big part of my life. I have played them since the days of the Atari 2600. I currently play on the Playstation 4. For me, video games have surpassed the ability of our bloated film industry and still entertain with good characters and creative stories. As long as you stay away from the repetitive franchises.

When we wee younger it didn’t matter who you are. Anyone could pick up a controller and join a game. So when I tried to learn about the world of modern gaming and make friends I was shocked to see how things have changed. What was a fun and relaxing way to spend free time has become a segregated, elitist and circle driven genre.

What is even more bizarre is the belief that women don’t play video games. The numbers are probably five men to every one woman when counting the genders of those who game. It might even be higher, but to say women don’t game is completely invalid. So is it any surprise that LGBT video game players are even further down in the numbers. At least publicly.

I tried my hand at online gaming years ago when the start of the X-Box generation began. Halo 2 was a pretty solid online experience and often lots of fun. Though I played mostly with family and the ability to chat with other players wasn’t there at the time. It wasn’t till Left 4 Dead came out on the X Box 360 that I began to see the truth.Those who play online were often rude and judgmental. A lot of CIS women I knew were being told they sound like children and not women. They were treated as if they didn’t know how to game at all. Often subjected to the most inappropriate comments.

Knowing this was how people online were treating others made me really scared to even try it. My first attempt at  Left 4 Dead on X Box 360 pretty much set the pace for most online interactions. I decided to just go for it. The game was new to me but a lot of fun. It took less than five minutes before I heard the rude comments begin. I left my microphone muted for fear of being judged. I could hear them saying things like stupid girl thinks she can game. It only went on for a few minutes before they decided to kick me out of the game itself.

After that I pretty much ignored the online gaming world. The mentality of most of them was far beyond sophomoric. I have tried the occasional game since and had mixed results. Destiny was often just those who want to flirt with the women players they come across. Titanfall was actually the best when it came to lack of abusive comments. It is to bad the game was so short and lost its appeal real fast.

I used to think it was me. I just didn’t fit in with what the modern video game culture had become. After dealing with it for a while I began to realize this was a really good thing. I preferred games with intricate characters and stories. No online experience ever gave this to me.

And then there was the fact I was stealth. No one I spoke to knew the secret I kept to myself. I was treated as any other woman in the gaming world. Which is what I wanted. After all that is who I am. This tend to make things worse though. I got to see how people were treated. I got to see how women and LGBT were treated and I can honestly say about 70% of the time it wasn’t pretty. Narcissism, over opinionated and judgmental people run rampant. Especially if you happen to beat them at a few rounds.

I love video games. I really do. But it can be really rough for anyone who doesn’t subscribe to the Stone Cold Steve Austin mentality on life. Finding like minded people is crucial. I have met some wonderful people as well as complete jerks.

What makes it harder is the idea of subsets of already segregated groups. In many ways I cant blame them, but I have seen lesbian groups kick any gay men or trans women out because they believe its wrong for them to be there. I have also seen this happen in straight groups as well. Being stealth in these situations has lead to me leaving groups because I cant believe how jaded and hypocritical they can be. I still look for good groups of friends to game with. Inclusive worlds are few and far between.

If I was to offer advice to those looking for friends in the video game world I would say this. Be picky. It is your right to only have those around who you feel are good people. The rest will pull you down. Then again this is a good thing to follow in life in general.

Stealth Trans in the Workplace

Spent this morning applying for jobs. Something that always gives me great unease. After my experience with Wal-Mart and their homphobic ways I have honestly been scared to try this again. Then again applying for a job is scary for pretty much anyone. Knowing they can mess with you once you work for them makes it harder. This is what Wal-Mart did.

Not to say the other companies would do such a thing. In fact a few of them I applied to had sections that talked about inclusive nature. This made me feel a lot better. But I can’t help worry about what will happen when I get there. I know there is a big if I even get the job included on that. lol. Maybe I should share the backstory of what happened to show where my timid nature about work came from.

I had to leave a job I really liked because they just weren’t able to give me the hours I needed. I was stepping out in to a personal business venture and needed specific time. They weren’t able to give me what I needed so I left them with a mutual happiness on both sides. It just didn’t work out.

I applied for Wal-Mart hoping they would be able to work with the hours I needed. They did so happily and welcomed me aboard. Seeing this was almost a decade ago times were a bit different. Their immediate concern was which bathroom I used. I understood their concerns even though it essentially treated me like a predator. We came to the agreement i would use the family restroom in the back of the store. I honestly had no problem with this. It wouldn’t give anything away about me and the family bathrooms always have extra space so you don’t feel so cramped.

Everything started off okay. I was given my job and the first day went real well. Then the second day hit and the family bathroom was locked at night. I didn’t need to go so badly and I managed to make it through the night without having to go. The following night not only was the bathroom locked but a bench was placed in front of it. Unable to contain myself a second night I excused myself to the ladies restroom. In and out real quick and right back to work. At least that is what I thought.

I was called in the office the next day by management for using the women’s restroom. I explained the situation and was told I was not to do that. While becoming more apprehensive about the work environment I went back to it stocking shelves. The family restroom was never unlocked during my shift again. I tried to manage but got in trouble again. Same thing and same warning. Another night I decided to be proper about the situation and actually went to my boss telling him I had to pee.

My boss walks with me to the back of the store and proceeds to hold the men’s room door open. He checks for anyone inside and waves me in once he feels it is clear. Horrified I stood there looking at him with his hands beckoning me to the restroom. I decided I could wait. I clearly had bigger issues at hand. I avoided going to the bathroom that day as well even though I could feel the pain in my bladder swelling.

The next day I was called in to the office by all the shift managers and been told I was seen using the women’s restroom again. I knew at this point that I had not and this was no longer a safe place for me. Trying to keep myself together I explained to them I had not used the restroom and was complying with their requests. After they filled their satisfaction of scolding me was finished I went back to work petrified to do anything.

Realizing I was about to collapse in tears and break down I counted down the time till I could log out for lunch. I couldn’t keep it up. It was clear this wasn’t going to be safe for me. Remembering they had already broken the verbal agreement my anger grew. In a last moment of control I went back to my locker to collect my things and walked out. They say the worse thing you could do is walk off your job with no notification. I couldn’t see any other option. Fear had taken me to the point of severe panic.

There are no buses after midnight. The walk home took hours but at least the roads were empty. Walking alone at night has proved dangerous before but the options were gone. I couldn’t stay at work and wait for the buses to start back. At least i can say I had plenty of time to myself to reflect and grow. You would be amazed how much one can think about when you have that much free time on your hands.

Was I proud I did it? Absolutely. There was no way I could maintain my health working in that environment. The sky was clear and the air was crisp. I remember because I could feel the tears chilling my face with the soft breeze. Did it scare me to not be working. You have no idea. I had no clue what my next move was. I just knew it had to be done.

Welcome to why I am scared of jobs. I have had good ones. But most of them were before I lived full time. Afterwards has lead to judgment, ridicule, and flat out harassment. So it is with deep trepidation that I sent out the new batch of applications today. I know a lot has changed since then but I also know prejudice in individuals (especially of those of power) reigns in large corporations to big to see what happens on the ground floor. Just like everyone else I have to work it out. I can’t not live.

I don’t want to leave this on a negative note. That was not my intent. I only wish to show the fear that is within all of us when it comes to what should be one of the simplest things to do. I am optimistic about finding work. Even if I am scared. I would love to have that kind of routine again. I just have to find a place that doesn’t see being Trans as anything other than something that is best left in my application and record. lol.

A Little History

Seeing as this comes from some one who lives in stealth I find it hard to understand which I should share and which I shouldn’t. That being said i think a little history on me is ok.

To get this question out of the way I will simply start by saying yes. I have known about myself my whole life. I knew What I was when I was very little. Sadly I can also say I didn’t understand it. I remember being at the store with my parents looking for clothes wishing I could get that cute pink dress or even maybe a princess t-shirt. While I knew I wanted to do these things I must also say I didn’t know why. This was a different era and mentality. I think I had seen one performance on a variety TV show of a performer who was dressed as both a man and a woman to sing a song but beyond that there was nothing I was aware of.

Childhood can be a fun thing. I guess it is fun really for everyone. An entire world of wonder and mystery shows itself to you every day. Coming up in the age of saturday morning cartoons and the boom of action figures/ dolls was a lucky thing for me. Sure i would watch the boy shows like knight rider, G.I. Joe, He-man. The list goes on and on. But I loved when the shows about female characters came on. Ranbow Brite was too cute. She-Ra was my hero. I still want a copy of her sword to this day. The popples and care bears were the best. So cute and happy. Again the list could go on and on.

It wasn’t till I saw a new cartoon called JEM and the Holograms that the what if in my brain kicked in full. Not only were they smart and beautiful but there was a computer that could hide the main character in her alter ego of JEM. My young mind raced with this awesome concept. So much so i would spend recess at school sitting by myself on a swing pretending I was swinging with her band. We would swing and talk for the whole recess break. Before and after i would swing I would reach to my ear as she did in the show and whisper “showtime cenergy” and then “shows over”. The thought almost brings me to tears with how happy it made me.

It wasn’t till i got my first job that I let myself explore the thoughts and feelings I had carried for almost twenty years. I can say it scared the hell out of me. The amount of shaking and almost black outs I went through forcing myself in to a store across town where know one would know me. All to finally take a look at a cute top or dress that I had eyed in stores I regularly shopped at.

Some years later tried to give it up. I considered it a childish curiosity and threw out my clothes that made me feel more normal than the regular clothes I wore. That was probably the defining moment for me. I felt like I betrayed myself.Worse yet i forced it for almost a year before I understood the truth this was something more. Around this time I was beginning to live on my own and had much more freedom than in my youth.

From then on I took myself seriously. It wasn’t the early two thousands that I started looking up what little information I knew on the internet. I didn’t even know the word transgender till then. There it was. Looking back at me from it’s pixilated glory. For the first time in over twenty years I was able to sit back in my chair and sigh. All i could do was smile. From the word itself to the definition it made me feel like I found a part of myself I had never understood.

It still took a few more years for me to build myself up as all of us have to. You start small. Maybe wearing a cute pair of panties out and maybe doing your nails. Hoping the everything will be ok. The fear never goes away. This much I can sadly say. I have been myself for over a decade and I still freak out in my mind when traveling to new places.

So here was a little about my past. I do apologize for its vague nature but seeing as this blog is also about stealth I think it is better I stay that way. Thank you for sharing this quick trip down memory lane with me. 🙂

The Beginning.

Welcome to those who have found their way to my page and my first post. This is not a page like many others would expect. At least I don’t think it will be. Maybe I should start with a little about myself.

My name is not important for this page. A name leads to assumption and even wonderment about who a person is. Much like when we meet some one for the first time. Our minds race with questions and ideas as to who they are. We quickly form ideas in our heads about them based on body type as well as clothes and how a person holds themselves. This page is purely about the mind. My mind in fact. I don’t agree with a lot of how people are at times. Especially my own kind. I don’t donate to causes such as HRC or Equality Now. I have never seen the point in it. I may go more in to this later. Who knows.

Anyways. I am 38 years old. I am a trans woman. I do not live as a trans woman. I live strictly as a woman. To me the term trans always meant transition. After all that is why it is part of the term. So why label ourselves with a transitional term? This is all that needs to be said to understand what this page is about. If you do not wish to keep going then I understand. But the truth of the matter is I am not out. At least not in that respect. I am a lesbian woman to the world and even that is really only known by those who know me.

So this is why i am here. Not as an out advocate for Trans rights. Not to battle others for LGBT rights. To let the world know people like me do exist. We the quiet. Being stealth is something that is not to common anymore. Not with the rise of celebrity names in the trans community. That is great for them. I am sure some look up to them as inspiration, but I want to live my life and voice my opinion. Something that would typically require a sacrifice of my own. This is that sacrifice. This which has me trembling with the fact i have lived so long trying to just be myself and not deal with the complexities of being out. So here it is. My voice in the Q. One in a million. I don’t want status. I want what we all want.

The freedom to be myself and express myself. To those who wish to listen. I welcome you. And I thank everyone for the chance to maybe get some things off my chest I would otherwise not be able to.